~vPoTatoChiP~

210111

2011-01-21T22:09:00.003+08:00

I've moved.

vpotatochip.tumblr.com

ok, i'm back coz tumblr is getting on my nerves for giving me error messages on the first day i just started on it. great experience eh. and all my inspiration gone. TUMBLR's gonna pay! RARWS!

05012011

2011-01-05T01:28:00.002+08:00

escapism

i'm just working all the way to escape from the failures of my life.

i hate it when people do things and don't inform me and not until i found it out myself. it's a total horrible feeling. thanks for leaving me out. i would say "THANKS A LOT".

i know i am different from all of you, with all of you discussing about the same topics and stuff. i know and i can sense that. well, "THANKS A LOT" for making this disparity so clear by leaving me out.

i am really pissed about this. while you are pissed, please know that there are also people out there who are pissed as well. "THANKS A LOT" for not knowing this.

this is just weighing down to much in my chest that i have to rid it. well, at this point, i think i have no friends at all. and i finally understand why this topic has always been a problem to everything.

121210

2010-12-12T19:01:00.002+08:00

why am i doing this?

i starting asking myself. i don't know why am i doing this at all. it seems to be stripping me away from a lot of things i want to do.

i am very lost now. hopefully by 23rd, i will no longer feel this way.

december is running too fast.

031110

2010-11-03T00:25:00.008+08:00

Spencer and Marks.

i didn't get a teddy Spencer but i got a piggy Spencer anyway. it's really soft. and i have Marks on the left. the little pencil case. it's really a pink and piggy birthday for me this year. LOL. are they implying something? hmmmm. well, pigs are cute and clever, so i guess i am too. that's good.

hugging piggy Spencer now. oh...it's really soft. so is Marks. awww.....there's nothing to blog about. just so that i wanted to upload Spencer and Marks picture. haha. and i better sleep. i have a test later! :)

221010

2010-10-22T20:19:00.004+08:00

orchard road.

orchard road, the place where i'm both familiar and unfamiliar with.

like a little child, i was in awe with the glitters and glams, the new and from the west. the superficial little child, who simply adores the superficial beautiful things.

yet, feel like a country bumpkin, who can never step into the stores as such. feeling so lowly of myself, that i never dared to make the first move in, knowing well i can't afford.

i love, yet i dislike orchard road.

the glowing lights that lit up everything new. the models that don everything of fashion. oh, how i love it. yet, it seems far away from me.

it's familiar, yet unfamiliar. i got lost in orchard road, just the other day, literally. walked up a down the path, looking for a way out.

lost. in the glitters and glams.

lost. in my own low self esteem and my empty pocket.

orchard road, so near, yet so far.

orchard road, so familiar, yet so unfamiliar.

oh, orchard road.

191010

2010-10-19T20:20:00.002+08:00

life = school + work + computer

that's what i've been doing. that's a little sad....but i do have amazing race and wong fu weekends to look forward to every weekend and monday or tuesday? LOL. it's been a long time since i last updated this. too caught up with everything that this is a little been forgotten. and it's good.....probably just means that i have less things i feel sad about and i'm pretty much more contented.

i've been pretty sleep deprived these few days...my own fault...for watching wong fu on youtube. HAHAHH. youtube is evil! making me neglecting a lot of things. or probably, i'm just re-prioritising my life.

what do i want to make out of my life? this question has been circling my brain for so many times for so many years. but inertia is stopping me to go where my heart wants me to go. probably i know myself too well, or probably i'm just a scaredy cat. watching wong fu and kevjumba and nigahiga just got me thinking a lot more of what i want.

anyway, that's all for rants. i shall stop. =D

240810

2010-08-24T23:43:00.002+08:00

i try so hard not to think.

yet, i cannot not think about it. keep myself happy as to keep the others happy. i cannot cry at this moment. i cannot. i know i can't. but i cannot help.

never knew this would ever happen to me. but it did. i once thought about it, but i dismissed it. because it's hard and painful to think about.

i laugh. i smile. all day long. putting it behind my head. but still i think about it.

but,

i guess it's gonna be alright.

i hope it will.

it has to.

070810

2010-08-07T02:12:00.003+08:00

dear me.

horrid temper i have. when i get real pissed, i think i look horrible. oh gosh. or perhaps, i never look right anyway.

i get pretty irritable these few days. flaring up at the slightest thing. i know what's wrong with me, but i can't stop it. i can't force myself to stop feeling that way, though i want to try to do so.

i can't. i seriously can't.

just like how the song "i can't make you love me" by george michael goes:

"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't..."

i cannot stop that feeling from swelling. i'm trapped too long in this house that i'm losing myself. i gave all my attention to others and received none. though they say, give rather than to receive, but it still feels bad. really bad. and what i've been waiting for, never came....for so long.

it's like a parcel sent from far away, probably lost in the way. but perhaps, it was never sent out.

that's why i don't receive it at all. and i'll never will receive it.

passively waiting. waiting for that parcel, which will probably never come. or maybe, i have no rights in receiving the parcel. no rights at all.

and this explains why i feel so irritable. because i cannot say how i feel; because i have to put on a mask in front of people; because my tear glands won't listen to me at all; and because i feel ugly.

dear me.

what a horrid temper i have.

280710

2010-07-28T22:45:00.002+08:00

i do not know if i have ever mentioned this here....but i have been reminded once again, memories that i tried so hard to erase. It's probably been left so far back in my mind that i thought it has been deleted like how i delete my files on the computer.

but,

it came back to me again this day. this moment. or maybe many moments this week.

i have never told anyone this before. i have never openly admitted this. but i'm going to say it here now. (not that many people will read this)

i feel inferior all the time. many times. in front of many people. i feel inferior. you thought it should be called humbleness, but no. in fact i was feeling inferior. and because i feel inferior, i try not to let people know about this. trying so hard to hide, how bad i feel about myself.

i have been trying to stop this feeling from growing over the years, by telling myself in the mirror every morning, "You're great!". it did slowed down that feeling from growing and overtaking my life, but still it's always lingering in me.

my sister once told me that i don't seem to be inferior at all, because no matter how hard she tried to put me down with all the horrible names, i don't seem to be taunted. how wrong she was. it's just so that i put up a strong hide to keep that vulnerable self intact. i do not want people to look down on me. but yet, i look down on myself.

because of how my family members had put me down over the years, i had subconsciously convinced myself that i am no good at all. i have no confidence in myself. i never knew i could do things beyond my reach.

i cannot remember how i managed to walk slightly out of the shadow. i cannot remember the process. but i am still in the shadow. thinking about it just brought tears into my eyes.

why i am thinking about this, because that swelling feeling of inferiority appears again. very recently. and i detest myself so much. i disliked my personality. disliked my all. i feel that i have nothing that is worth.

and once again, i feel out of place. too many a times. and this makes me recall how i cried myself to sleep at night in my secondary school days. i thought i have toughened. but apparently not.

i learnt to be independent, but i have not learnt to cope with loneliness. i learnt to work alone, but i have not learnt to handle rejections. i thought i had matured, but i realised that kid in me had never ever grew up. never had and never will. what is inside holding me back all these while, can never be removed. i do badly want to move on. i do badly want to feel confident of myself, and be glad i that i am me. but i just cannot do so. i cannot accept myself.

i always thought there was something wrong with me, that no one likes me. probably there is. i always tried to find ways to change myself for people to accept me. the changes, made me lost.

............

030610

2010-06-03T15:05:00.002+08:00

dreams. drive. life.

watching others fulfill their dreams, i seem to be lagging behind.

i'm the watcher, rather than the do-er.
i'm the audience, rather than the actor.
i'm the mother, rather than the child.

what dreams do i have? that needs me to fulfill. the dreams of my childhood had already been fulfilled (mostly. =X), what else is there to drive me on?

200510

2010-05-20T01:35:00.003+08:00

let down

probably, i'm just a let-down.

i am a let-down, because i have not done justice to myself.
i chose to let arrogance take over me.
the pending results are weighing on me.
and i'm trying to prepare myself mentally,
so that the impact will be mild when it hits me.

what did i do? what have i done?

i have been questioning myself many times in this blog.
yet, no answer has ever came through.

i am not pushing myself to do what i can.
i am once again in my comfort zone.
i have been giving myself too many excuses not to do
many things i wanted to.

i need a plan. just a simple plan.

i shall think about it after friday.

150510

2010-05-15T19:39:00.002+08:00

tears.

the most precious in this world.
the true diamonds of life.

what could be more precious than tears,
shed out of true joy,
shed out of true sadness,
and of true sincerity?

like diamonds,
tears sparkle,
but with a gleam that no other diamonds can compare.

the true emotions that seeps through,
gives it its wonderful sparkle,
which no other light could bring.

what makes it more precious than other diamonds?
the true sincerity which no diamonds could depict.

tears, the most precious diamonds of life.

240310

2010-03-24T20:46:00.002+08:00

"the skeletons in my closet, are too big for me to hide"

what's the meaning behind the smile? who can ever know? probably only God knows.

skeletons threatening to burst out, revealing my flaws and fears. it's too tiring to hold them back. the lock is soon getting worn out. who has the keys? i don't know at the moment. tell me if you have it, won't you?

i'll only open at the right time, with the right key. when the right person comes. =D

100310

2010-03-10T23:56:00.003+08:00

learn

there's a lot of things i'm feeling very irritable about and i don't know what's the reason. just my usual mood swings. but then i feel that this issue, this nonsense is getting on far too long.

is learning being independent that difficult to handle?

i cannot understand why some people cannot really absorb what the lesson is teaching them, yet making irresponsible comments making others to sympathise them, especially when it comes from a guy. O.O

have the same expression as me? maybe, (or maybe not maybe) i am a difficult person to handle, which i do agree to some extent. because i am very firm on my stand in a fight. i know this does not solve the problem but then i just can't stand it when people do all these irritable stuff.

this is your own life and it does not depend on others to control it. others may be a co-factor or co-enzyme or inhibitor in your life, but the true catalyst that makes your life move on is YOU! YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! why can't you get this straight. because of my horrible character, i am finding it very irritable when you blame others totally for ruining your life. =.= (get the same expression as me?)

reflect on things that you do and identify the problem. face your flaws for once. it's hard to start but when you start it, you get a better life. SERIOUSLY. and i'm speaking as a person with past experience. you can change your life for the better if you learn to change too, i.e. adaptability. as what Darwin's evolution theory suggests, "the survival of the fittest", adapt or you get eliminated. i sound harsh but it is the reality of the world.

(am i imposing more karma on me?)

and another note, independence is nurtured, not innate. don't use that superficial excuse.

i just need to get it off my chest. whew.

260210

2010-02-26T20:46:00.002+08:00

irritable.

feeling irritable recently. i flare up too many times this week. i can't help it.

because i get the old feeling back again. i'm there for disposal. you can use when i'm needed and throw when you don't need it. when you are in deep s*** (or shingz), then you come back for me. what am i? totally what am i?

when i mean it, you don't take me seriously. what is wrong? are you all so dense that you can't sense it? DARN YOU.

i am seriously pissed. and it just makes me disbelieve this thing, call f*****, again. i give. but i never feel appreciated. then why on earth should i give so much? why should i be so nice to others when others take me as a joke?

what am i totally? what did i do to make others do this to me? over and over again. time and time again. i hate this feeling totally. i hate it so much. i hate it when it comes backs to me over and over again in my life! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

am i really that bad? am i really that impossible? am i such that i can't get anyone to like me? it's getting on my back and i can't get it off!

just what am i? =(

220210

2010-02-22T00:05:00.004+08:00

first once, i believe in this line totally.

i cannot make the whole world like me. there are bound to be people who dislike me.

trying not to take it to heart. yet, it's quite difficult to do so. trauma needs time to dilute, dwindle, and eventually die away. i'm trying to let time do its own work and i may find it nothing at all.

i agree. i am stubborn in my own ways. (if you want to make it sound good, it's adhering to my principles. but i shall face it as stubborness.) it is and i can't seem to change it. because i am keeping myself as i am who i am. i shall not change just because someone dislikes me. i cannot compromise to EVERYONE isn't it? and i shall be i am who i am.

that's what i have been looking for, isn't it? my identity. exploring myself more and more and learning to accept myself gradually.

to find your identity is to learn to accept yourself.

who am i? (sounds like the old old old old jackie chan movie, eh?)

I AM ME!

160210

2010-02-16T23:26:00.002+08:00

escape

i'm planning an escape.
an escape away from here.
from the imperfections in my life,
that's bugging me in my heart.

i want to live,
the way i want.
i want friends.
i want my life.

i want to laugh.
i want to cry.
i want to be angry.
all at my own will,
without having to wear a mask.

to this land may i be,
i'm escaping from this dry land,
to a land of honey and oats.

100210

2010-02-10T19:51:00.002+08:00

coward.

stop being a coward.
trying to gain sympathy?
stop doing that.
face up to your flaws,
rather than do all the unnecessary!

reflect on your actions!
not avoiding your problems.

such a coward.
coward.

030210

2010-02-03T00:13:00.002+08:00

gloating.

am i gloating? perhaps i am. we shall stop thus far.

trouble.

what i want,
and what some wants,
and what some who do not want,
whether getting it or not,
always lead to trouble.

either here or there,
never ending trouble.

to be frank,
though i badly want it,
i'm glad i did not get it (at this moment),
looking how awry it can go.

i'm not sure whether i can handle it,
when it lands in my hands.
but when it comes,
i hope i know.
and i hope,
it does not lead to trouble though.

let me rephrase,
terrible trouble, i hope not so.

the four letter.
if you can guess,
the thing that leads to trouble,
in all mankind.

270110

2010-01-27T23:42:00.003+08:00

last.

hate the feeling to be the last to know. that squeezing feeling of the heart....it's too hard to remove.

laughter.

what's after the laughter?
it happened to me so suddenly.
tears after laughter.
rolling down the cheeks without warning.

all at once, my laughter feels so fake.
my cheeks felt tired with the tensed muscles.
a suddely release of strained muscles....

too sudden.

a moment ago, i thought i was relatively happy.
another moment, i felt....
what is all these happy emotions about?
it feels so superficial.
and all these became transient.

it seems my mask had been taken off.
the mask that i put on all the time,
removed in an instant....
so quick that i couldn't react.

so...my laughter was a mask after all.
a mask that hasn't been removed after a long long time.
why am i laughing anyway?
why?

where am i?

250110 (2)

2010-01-25T19:14:00.001+08:00

swallowtail butterfly.

fly like it.
fighting,
towards the end of life.
not to waste a moment.
i shall awaken.

swallowtail.

250110

2010-01-25T00:26:00.002+08:00

sign.

i haven't been ranting here. it's a good sign.
a sign which means i'm having peace in my heart.

haven't been doing much reflections about myself in this new year.
probably i learnt to love myself. see my abilities.

accept.

i'm learning to accept the fact,
that i am who i am.
and it's not the end of world,
if i can't get it.

the earth still revolves.

a food for thought here.

life.

life will not be complicated,
as long as you keep it simple.

strings won't come in knots,
unless you go rounds and rounds.

we tend to get lost with the strings in our hands at times.
but learn to walk out of it. not into it.
you'll get knots.

find the root of problem,
not to avoid the problem.

face yourself in the mirror,
not the lies you created.

look around you and observe,
not to look and jump to conclusions.

think before you act,
not to act and think after that.

be brave,
not be a tortoise. (i think a tortoise has more courage)

last of all,

walk straight, forward,
not backwards.

look back at times though,
for experience.

experience is there to help you,
not to trip you.
look to experience for guidance,
not for hindrance.

and there you are.
walk forth. there's a wonderful life going on.

160110

2010-01-16T16:12:00.002+08:00

new.

i need a new blogskin. i'm still looking for inspiration. so pardon me for the moment.

missing.

i miss the time when i hang around with my camera.
i miss the time when i loved taking photos.
i miss the time when i know what i want.
i'm missing my old self.

the missing piece of puzzle in me,
that's been lost in the midst of chaos.
missing me.

281209

2009-12-28T23:12:00.001+08:00

water.

born in water, leave by water.

farewell my fish, orange tan cheng cheng.

you are remembered.

161209

2009-12-16T23:16:00.004+08:00

losing track.

on the rail of a journey unknown,
i sat down gingerly,

many people sat down by me,
time by time,
changing from station to station,
as the journey goes on.

reaching stations by stations,
and time by time,
i know where i was going.

but now,

which station am i heading?
it's still too far for me to see.
i have yet seen a station,
as the train puffs on,
time goes on,
age goes on.

puffing down the journey unknown.
when will i reach my destination?

or perhaps,
there is no destination.

it's a journey of unknown.
as the train puffs on the rail,
as people by me changes,
submerged in an enclosed world,
i'm losing track of the world outside the window.

it's time to take a look outside.

perhaps.
taking a broader perspective,
i'll know.

it's no longer a journey of unknown.

it's a journey of dreams.

i'm losing track of dates and time. hopefully i don't forget my course registration date.

071209

2009-12-07T16:36:00.002+08:00

life goes on.

i'm losing track of the dates. LOL. no calendar. no visual memory.

life goes on, really. but i have nothing to do now. can someone please intro me some short term job? i'm getting bored.

AND no one asked me out. THANKS AR. busy with your beloved(s). =X bully me.

i think rotting at home is really making me old. i'm having a lot of funny ailments. cracking bones (oh my), aching teeth, headache, stiffness in body....etc. wow. i think i am really feeling old.

life has been so boring until i don't even know what to blog about. it's only been like 1 week into my holidays?

hmmm. i think the only exciting thing would have been the new phone. which only excited me for like 1 day.

ARGH. save me.
christmas's coming! save me.

211109

2009-11-21T00:30:00.002+08:00

treasure.

when will we treasure,
the ones who loved us so dearly,
and always by our side?

when will we learn,
not to take them for granted,
like a grain of sand on the beach,
as insignificant as it?

when will we understand,
that they are important,
like the heart that pumps blood in us,
which brings life to us?

when will we know,
that we need to hold their hands tight,
give them a hug and enjoy the time
together with them?

when will we?

when they are gone?
when they are lost?
when they no longer know you?
when they are not a part of our life?

a missing part of puzzle in us,
if we do not.

a wrench in our hearts,
if we do not.

a showering of tears,
if we do not.

a regret,
if we do not.

a lost,
if we do not.

treasure,
the biggest treasures in your life.

131109

2009-11-13T23:11:00.002+08:00

hiding

gone into hiding. keeping to myself. even i know that my actions and behaviour sometimes looks weird, but can't help it. trying hard to keep the mask on.

don't force me to take it off, i will look ugly. keep that good image of me. don't try to prise it off me. it's difficult for me not to wear it in front of people, because i have too much to hide. too much.

keep me in the hiding for the moment. if i feel i'm able to take the mask off, i will.

061109

2009-11-06T00:34:00.002+08:00

some things never change, like how leopards never change its spots and the earth never stop revolving.

and i'm one of the phenomena of unchanged matter. still as pessismistic as i was in the past. the core personality can never change, no matter how hard i try to hide and change. it's too inert to changes. i don't know whether is this a good or bad thing, but i just know, the core of me, is still me.

how i feel about people treating me, it hasn't changed either. it might be my proble, but this is getting on way too long. i had been hoping, to get to the other greener pastures. now, the hope seems like a small oil lamp, flickering in times of thunderstorms.

had been feeling on the low side. can't help it. everything seems dull and dark. nothing seems to be going right for me. though i know there is nothing wrong, yet i can't convince myself this is so.

not feeling myself at all. and my temper is getting worse. trying to find ways of anger management. if this goes on, i can't concentrate on anything. i had only been trying hard to act normal and forcing myself to be normal.

trying to find myself again.

finding hwee lin.
director: hwee lin
actress: hwee lin

what should i do?

311009

2009-10-31T22:45:00.002+08:00

smile

it's hard to smile when you force it. to be frank, i am not happy at all. i am not. but i'm smiling all the time. laughing. but i am not truly happy. again, something is stuck in my chest and i can't get it out. so when you asked me the other day whether i was happy, i was sort of hesistant, within my heart. you may not realised and you probably thought i had a great time.

i've grown to realised that i have been ranting a lot ever since uni started. but i can't help it. long train rides to school and back home gave me ample time to think in depth about things in my life. i can't help but notice, that i have been in the shadow of my past. my past wasn't that bad, but every year, during this period of time, i feel anxiety and uncertainty. past experiences are just those dark gray shadows hovering over me.

once, i had hopes. but over the years, i lost all that hope. it is an important day. and year after year, bombshells had ruined my day. sometimes i feel i am such a baddie and i'm bullying people. but you can't blame me for reacting this way. because, you still don't know what i want. you don't know what is important to me. what i felt is that i am not important at all. i am totally not. i am soooooo not. such that my feelings can be ignored. what i wanted is not the superficial questions of asking for my opinions. i get that feeling that deep in all your hearts i am no longer important and those questions are just to let you smoke through. i felt ignored. this is not for me at all. this is not done for me. it's done just for making all of you happy. all of you kept asking whether i was happy.

let me tell you all this.

i was not.

if you have realised, i was on the verge of shouting. i was on the verge of crying. have you realised? i bet no. all of you are so engrossed in your own stuff. all of you didn't realised i was unusually quiet. however, undeniably, i was touched by all of you, only for that one minute moment.

for quite some time that day, i was thinking, "why am i here?"

when i think about this, my smiles are so fake. it's no longer me anymore. and i can't reconcile with myself anymore. why am i doing this anyway. making myself feel so unhappy. why was i there?

this was made for all of you. but just not for me.

i know nothing about all of you. and all of you know nothing about me.

i no longer can stay real. i find it hard to stay real. i was lying. i was just telling myself, i can't be this mean. i can't bring myself to be this mean then and words that came out are lies. which i thought were white lies. and i didn't realised it's gonna turn into staggers and stab me in my heart every year. 1 year is enough. i feel like a clown. i am just a clown, trying to satisfy all of your demands.

you know how hard to try not to cry? and i have been doing this quietly over these few days. i can't help it. the emotions swell up...it's too much for me to control. i need to vent it out badly.

let it all out.

only then can i face all of you with a true smile.

271009

2009-10-27T00:19:00.002+08:00

unplugged.

i am seriously disturbed by what someone told me, about myself. my mind in a swirl. it's like a stone stuck in my chest, or rather a choked up pipe. actually it's nothing big, and it's been sort of resolved but i just can't get over it. somehow. and i need to know why am i feeling this way. really disturbed by it. that's why i'm still up, thinking about it for so long.

it's that feeling when you know you are in the wrong yet you are looking for answers to justify that you are right? i'm feeling that way now. something similar happened to me about a year plus ago? that same feeling. pretty much horrible. and eventually i got over with it because i managed to convince myself that i'm right (and i don't even know if that's a good or bad thing). that stubborness and the reluctance to admit that you are wrong. i admit that it's hard to say you are wrong. it's really freakingly hard. but i did admit it. but still that feeling isn't away. i'm still trying to come to reconcilation with myself.

reflections. where has all the reflections gone to? the truth is, i know the reason why i behave this way, it's just that i can't say it straight in the person's face right? i bet he'll laugh like crazy. the reason is just too embarrassing to say out. LOL. it's difficult that's all. (the reason is because i'm shy? what kind of freaking reason is that anyway...LOL.) i know i shouldn't behave in that way but i can't control. that's all. YES. i found the reason. it's a misunderstanding and a wrong use of words and body language. in fact i sensed it pretty much from the start, just that i brushed the incidents off. Leave it dangling.

BOOMz. ha. now that i found the core of the problem, i am truly unplugged. the choked up pipe is gone. i can breathe freely. i nearly burst. like a balloon. it's time to use back my old outlet - you know, blog. LOL.

breathe freely.

201009

2009-10-20T23:44:00.004+08:00

hopelessness and helplessness come hand in hand.

when stress builds up, this happens more frequently nowadays. never felt this stressed before and i'm not doing anything to change stop myself from being stressed (i.e. by studying harder!).

i need motivation. i need a push.

but what i think i need now is sleep.

and i should stop tearing on the train. i look stupid. but i can't help it. relieve of pent up emotions. time to release it somewhere.

091009

2009-10-09T22:05:00.004+08:00

"When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." - Mary Karen Read

when this comes from one who had been hurt by others badly... it makes you feel so bad of not being able to forgive others for minor things.

we understand, yet it's hard to do so. it requires courage...to forgive. a lot. it's never easy with the angst stuck in your chest, pounding badly on your heart, waiting to burst out loud. it takes courage to put the anger and hate aside, to truly forgive. even saying that, "i forgive" takes tremendous amounts of strength to voice out. i know it's difficult, but that's what i'm trying to do. putting it all behind. whenever you feel this way, ask yourself,

"who never ever made a mistake (besides God)?"

then the next question you should ask, " have you ever made any mistake?"

yes you did. reflect on the mistakes you've made, recall how people had forgiven you. and learn to forgive the ones who had hurt you, just like how others had forgiven.

that's when you realised, everyone is given a chance, like how you were given one.

no matter how big or how small, it is true that forgiveness heals. holding on to the hurt deepens the wound. it makes your world seem gray, bleak and hopeless. like walking on an ever-wounding path, with cloudy gray skies up above you. everything is lifeless and gray.the only path for you will seem to be down a road of revenge.

looking at all the attacks in the recent years, i see people holding to hate and hurt. Again, all in the name of the greater good. well done. what good have you done? sticking needles in others bring about greater good? killing thousands of people bring about greater good? i do understand that there's been injustice done and life might had seem unfair, but this is definitely not the right way to achieve what was started out to be for the greater good. it does not bring greater good.

but i know what hate can bring.

it creates more hatred in others against your own people, forming an ever-lasting cycle of hate-revenge-tears. it increases the sufferings for your own people as others discriminate them further.

inducing fear in people is NOT a solution. When one says inducing fear in people helps to achieve your motive and goal, remember that there are more ways to solve a problem and to achieve a goal.

sometimes,
let go, and you'll see greener pastures.
you'll see brighter paths, with green grass by the sides.
it's no longer one way. there's more, with the sun shining on you everywhere you go.

heal the hurt. let go and forgive. the sun is always there, as long as you blow the clouds away.

p.s. reading about mary karen read and the tributes reminded me of jaclyn once again. mary was remembered for her smiles. so was jaclyn. it reminded me of what i wrote on the ocip blog:

080209

the day a wonderful girl left us.

putting her very best in everything she did for the trip,
and a 120% for the children in thailand.

leaving in us,
fond memories of her and our experience.

braved through her toughest times...
a brave girl she was.

though she is no longer with us,
never can we forget her and her bright and dazzling smile.

we just can't forget...living in our hearts, the warmth she brought us.

how can i forget? the sudden sms that came and dropped a bombshell on me. re-reading and re-reading. looking at photos hurts. reminded that she's not with us anymore. i can imagine how the family and friends felt.

2 young girls of similar age, passed away. always remembered, by their smiles. we just can't forget.

021009

2009-10-02T01:04:00.002+08:00

stayreal

if anybody can tell me where to get stay real shirts and accessories, please leave a note at my tagboard. thanks!

2809209

2009-09-28T01:10:00.005+08:00

如果发现

自己是如此的懦弱

会希望有个超人在身边

无需飞天遁地
无需力大如牛

我需要的超人
只要能陪在我身边就好

忧郁、快乐、生气
只要超人在身边就好

如果真的有超人?

我会否真的就接受?

但还是想要
我的超人

http://vpotatochip.spaces.live.com/

200909

2009-09-20T23:07:00.003+08:00

death

i didn't expect to see so many deaths in my life. probably not the people closest to me, but the people whom i had seen from young till now. so people, just disappeared from this world, without me knowing. like dust.

what is a human life exactly?

does it disappear that fast? without me knowing?

the topic of death keep dropping in and out of my mind this year. probably when i start to learn that life is not to be taken granted. because i realised my parents aren't young. because our pet fish seemd to be dying very soon at that moment. because of jaclyn's leaving. because i saw on tv that people once i thought would never die that soon died so suddenly. i had concluded.

life is fragile. life cannot be taken for granted. life can disappear very suddenly, fly off like powder in my hands when i had once thought that i had it in my control.

suicides happen though there are people fighting to live. people had tried fighting to live yet unable to do so. why should you give this chance up when people could not have such privilege? it is a stupid choice. i vow i shall never do that. death leave people crying.

red eyes. sadness. and pain.

never ever do that.

you thought that dying is an act of bravery? you are wrong. the true courage comes when you face life. when you learn to move on and live on. seeking for death is an act of escapism. you are escaping from problems in life. leaving behind the problems to your loved ones.

death. hurts.

as for those who take other people's life for granted and say it in the name for the greater good, what greater good does it bring, when people are crying out in sorrow and pain? what greater good does it bring? it does not. blinded as they are by their 'greater good', they are lost in that world and oblivious to the others.

they cannot see. they cannot hear. they cannot feel.

the pain, the sorrow, the hurt and the warm rolling tears that fall from the eyes and cheeks of the victims and their loved ones.

the eyes that once filled with hope will be gone.

what comes after hurt and sorrow would usually be hate and anger.

the cycle goes on.

what greater good can they bring then? with the cycle of hate going on and on infinitely?

never take life for granted, whether is it yours or others. treasure it.

a life. a seed that blooms. a seed of hope.

130909

2009-09-13T23:09:00.001+08:00

priorites

it the time of life when i realise the priorities of my life are turned topsy-turvy. i'm no longer sure what is most important already. i know that family comes first, but what comes after that?

studies? friends? or what?

everything seems to be a blank piece of paper or rather, a form, waiting for me to fill up.

the pen is in my hand, and yet, i don't know what to fill in at the moment. when life becomes hectic, my pen is stumped, or rather, i'm stumped.

perhaps time will let me know what is truly important after my family.

i am rational. and i know it. perhaps deep in my heart, i know what i want. it's just like a mess of a woollen knitting ball. my dream, my final destination is kept in there. i just need to unravel bit by bit to know.

yet,

time flies by so fast. and i need to make choices quickly.
it's a test. it's an exam. that i'm forced to take without being prepared.

it's a test of life.

at a blink of eye, many things had gone past. and still, i have done nothing much.
the past achievements are transient. they are empty and void and speaks of no purpose now.

i'm starting afresh and i need to move on. and move on fast. i know i can do it.

just like a wild rose, hardy in times of rocky paths and bloom beautifully eventually. i shall be, a beautiful wild rose. heidenroslein.

310809

2009-08-31T16:14:00.002+08:00

mayday DNA concert

©vpotatochip2009

HIGHNESS! totally. no stopping of singing of their songs....and the atmosphere is totally great....everyone standing and singing....waving of light sticks.....jumping! LOL. marvelous. make me love mayday more!

even after 10 years, they are still as powerful as a rock band. 10 years....not many can do that right? and they were missing for around 2 years.....the fans are still going strong....WOOTS~

the effects of concert, totally grand....movie watching! LOL. great effects and great reaarangement of their songs.

2 words sum up the whole concert: MAYDAY ROCK!

lol. i never once regretted buying the tickets after going for the concert. and i'm glad i went. seriously. if they come again....i would want to go for it! provided i have enough money...LOL.

230809

2009-08-23T13:33:00.002+08:00

NO INTERNET.

i'm using my sister's internet at her house now......sobs....i'll have no internet connection for 2 whole weeks....have to wait till 12th. SADDED.

anyway, loads happened over this time period.....went clubbing, or u can just say it's the smps bash, totally camwhoring....LOL. should see the photos on facebook. but i'll upload it at a later time.....

can't talk much.....workload increasing gradually! LOL. tired.......SHU FEN, HTHT TALK! LOL.

080909

2009-08-09T21:41:00.004+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!

44th birthday in fact. sending my greetings through here. 3 years ago, i remember using the same picture above in my blog post. it was 41st national day. lol. wonder how the girl is doing? btw, i didn't take this....found this picture on google long time ago. forgot to trackback. so sorry for that.

every year, watching the national day parade, brings about different emotions through me. through so many years of national days, one thing and one item will always touch me: national day songs. no matter what, the songs are the only thing that strikes that chord in me that i am a singaporean. because i find the lyrics meaningful. especially the old national day songs. and i'm feeling touched and glad that i'm a singaporean. really glad.

getting to the other side,

i start thinking about death now, i know it's a sudden change in topic.....not that i want to die, but to watch people around pass away...it really hurts. no, no one around me died just then, but...it just hurts badly, especially people whom you know. just this year, jaclyn....a bubbly, cheerful girl...just left. knowing she's not alive anymore and accepting that fact seemed to be like a finger that pressed that button in me and caused the tears to flow non-stop. death doesn't seem like a reality at all. just like MJ's death. it doesn't. it sounded like a complete joke to me. just like how i read and re-read the sms they sent about jaclyn, never letting the news sinking in. probably because i believed people to live forever and forever, at least longer than me. my future includes everyone. and probably that's the reason i hate to face death...especially to my loved ones....everything changes when 1 person goes away.

and here, i just hope everyone lives happily and healthily, my family members and friends. NO one is out in my dream, in my future. make sure you are going be there. =)

060809

2009-08-06T21:23:00.003+08:00

welcome ceremony

tiring days, because of outings with nemos. LOL. all the high activities all squeezed together is just too much. LOL. singing k, mahjong, lunches, dinners and welcome ceremony today. WOAH. all came too much. but i had a great time. many first times.

though so many things happened, i am thrown with many responsibilities. from now on, i am in charge of my life. yet, i still feel like a tiny little bird....unsure of everything. this is probably the first tiny step i have to take before i enter the society.

and i feel like a conformist, totally, conforming and succumbing to peer pressure every now and then. i'm losing my opinions very soon, if i don't remain clear-headed. learn to say no. i have to, or else i'll lose my goals. i'm starting to feel the pressure but i'll press on! =D

anyway, the events that happened between me and my og from spms foc, see it on facebook. provided i can get in. LOL. i'll try upload as soon as possible.

020809

2009-08-02T13:52:00.007+08:00

nemo

ROCK IT OUT! LOL. nemo the best group of all! LOL.

yes, i went for the SPMS FOC camp. great fun, because of people met there and nothing else. woots~ post camp symptoms. though full of cuts, bites and sprain, nothing can dampen the spirit. lol. we rock! haha.

now i'm holding on to a sexy voice (HAHA) and slowmo actions. neither can i think very fast now. so if you want to suan me now, feel free, most probably i can't fight back. but you will pay double when i'm back on track! LOL.

too many words spoil the description of the whole camp. it's just that i didn't expect too much to come out of this camp, yet it gave me a lot more. i thank God for sending me great people to me. i am really thankful for that throughout my life. and i finally know that i can do a lot of things.

probably going for the camp just brought me back to the starting point. it's been such a long time since i went for camps and this just let me know that i am still there. though many things in me has changed, but i am still the person i had once known i was (and am now). i am still as high as before for camps. i am. totally.

and thanks to the great people who were there for the camp, especially to the NEMOs and GLs, and SAs. it would never be the same.

this is just another turning point of life. not only due to the camp, but also other events that happned. my life's path is changing once again. in a direction i never thought i could go on. and i shall press on no matter what.

160709

2009-07-16T23:26:00.003+08:00

i met him in person today.

ha...sounds scandalous? want to know who i met? ask me personally. LOL. coz i don't want to put the name here. LOL. cool right? HAHAHA. don't be jealous. >.<

hahah, how i hope i can i can meet ashin in person. LOL.

went acjc today (you can guess), tiring. nothing can i say. and people keep asking me about harry potter. yes, i didn't watch, and i don't intend to watch it anyway (i think). I prefer book over the movie.

friday.

yes, it's coming.....in 10 minutes time. and it's the weekend!!!!! finally can sleep late. i love sleeping late~! lol.

dementia. i keep forgetting what i want to blog about. darn. should eat more fish. LOL.

time to sleep. work tomorrow! jia you! one more day.

070709

2009-07-07T14:02:00.002+08:00

replace

no one can ever replace anyone.

it's a truth that everyone knows.

yet,

we still love to compare,
because we hope that you could replace someone that had occupied that space in your heart,
because that someone left and that space needs to be filled up.

but,

he (she) is he (she)
you are you.

he (she) has things that he (she) can do,
and things that you cannot do.

you have things that you can do,
and things that he (she) cannot do.

no matter how similar,
they are just not the same.
it can never be the same.

no one can ever replace anyone.
never ever ever.

we need to face it. forever and ever.

230609

2009-06-23T11:02:00.002+08:00

this is supposedly to be posted on fathers' day, but many things happened and i forgot. here it is to make up for it. dedicated to all fathers and last of all, my dear father.

To Daddy, my Hero

The many years before,
I never ever thought it through
That my Daddy
Would ever grow old too.

He was ever strong and energetic
Firm in everything he do
Protected me like a little girl
Though I was getting bulkier
Grew to be what I thought to be more mature
Still, he's one big Hero.

Yet I never knew time would dwindle on him,
Taking his strength from him bit by bit,
He was shrinking in size too,
Without me and him knowing…….

Hairs turned from black to grey
And on to white.
Even when time tried its very best,
To show me what my Daddy has become,
My eyes never really kept him in sight.

Till…

Till now,
When I truly look at him full.
My Daddy has grown old too.
He has.
Yet has his love for me faded as his strength has?
Has it paled as his hair has done?

Not at all.

That's my Daddy all.
His greatest power of all,
The love he gave to me,
Time can never diminish...
Neither could time change it.

With the power of love for me.
My Daddy, my Hero.

180609

2009-06-18T22:54:00.002+08:00

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored.

that's why i'm typing away in the night. must be the humid, stuffy weather. i hate it soooo much. no matter how much i must embrace the nature. perspiring while i'm typing is just soooooo not right.

that's right, looking at the many o's, you should get it now that i'm getting whiny. well, just get along with it, let me whine once in a while. WHIIIINNNNNNEEEE.

oh, horrible weather

oh, horrible weather,
i pray do go away,
to a far far land,
and never come again.

oh, horrible weather,
how you are being disliked,
just leave if you will,
won't you, please?

oh, horrible weather,
just leave me please,
it's making me horrid,
like a bad tempered kitty.

oh, horrible weather,
JUST GO AWAY!

you can now see how bored i am to come up with a poem. the next time, i'm putting a poem on father, in lieu with fathers' day. LOL.

oh, horrible weather, won't you go away? lol. enid blyton style.

110609

2009-06-11T22:40:00.004+08:00

photos.

i decided to put some photos....instead of words. i'm using up too much of my vocabulary that sometimes i'm just stumped. LOL. so let the photos do justice.

by the way, wondering why the photos are so small....it's just a mistake that i chose small. pardon me.

photo by vpotatochip 2009

first up, it's our dear santa. there's a series of the photos....i decided to put the series as " santa's day". not much meaning to it, but the lighting at that time just made it so nice to take photos.

photo by vpotatochip 2009

next, the stairway of an old building near my house. there's still people doing business there and it's not dilapidated. but it just had that retro, childhood times feeling. i tried black and white, but i felt that the results aren't that great.

photo by vpotatochip 2009

lastly, jewellery. guess who's wearing the necklace? of course it's me! LOL. in the original photo, i could still see my hairs....i'm naturally hairy. again, the lighting just tempted me. lol.

recent.

nothing much to talk about except i cut my hair today, shook hands with the mp of my area a few days ago and distributed flyers till my calves are totally hardened. that's totally all.

and yes, i'm going to mayday concert. yay.

period.

090609

2009-06-09T22:45:00.003+08:00

photo from blogs.nypost.com

a good pair of shoes,

can bring you many great places. how much i believe in it now. just after 2 days.

how can you walk far, when your feet ache like hell?

that is why....i believe it so. i need a pair of shoes...a good pair. and my feet is a pair of extraordinary feet. why? because i cannot wear the many pairs of shoes that are sold on the shelves. usually those shoes either hurt my feet, or else causes blisters. i've been using so many plasters this year. by the way, i already bought 5 pairs of shoes these year. it's such a record. and none of those last. i either wear them out or else they just hurt.

why am i talking so much about shoes anyway? lol. just thought that the title suits so well.

anyway, shoes can be used as a metaphor to describe your lifetime mate or what else?

why doesn't it sound romantic when it comes out from me? lol. but then, it is right that a good lifetime mate the suits you well, makes you feel comfortable, truly, can bring you to great places. in fact, i think anywhere will be great, just to have the person beside you. lol.

as usual, there's many things i want to say, but i just forgot. blame it on my poor memory. dear me, i'm growing old. even my knees are feeling weak. dear me. and i shall stop here. the old lady needs some rest. LOL.

020609

2009-06-02T21:14:00.002+08:00

photo by ashin

ashin

omg. i am so crazy. LOL. this picture is my msn pic, my handphone wallpaper, now it's on my blog! LOL. love this picture so much. ashin look so cute. =D

crazy about mayday again. listening to mayday songs just cheers me up so much. absolutely. totally. i truly admire how ashin manage to keep creating new songs, new lyrics. and totally refreshing ones. oh my. he's so cool. haha.

i'm losing my cool. LOL. ♥

300509

2009-05-30T16:28:00.002+08:00

cat. neko.

a cat sneaked into our house and into the small bedroom. (by the way, my home is on the 7th level). me and mummy were in the living room and we didn't even noticed it coming in. i recognized this cat, always lazing around downstairs. =X

anyway it gave me such a scare when it came out of the room that i spilled all the veggie gravy all over the wall and floor. what a klutz i am. plus i shouted so loudly that my mummy thought i fell down or something like that. thinking back, it was hilarious. next on, the cat just walked gracefully out of my room and the living room and squeezed out of our gate. oh my. how can it be so calm?

then later we heard shouts from our neighbour opposite us. suspected maybe the cat went over there after coming out from our house. LOL. oh yah, by the way, it was a orange and white striped cat. LOL.

hilarious incident.

tears.

and today. just felt too emotional. over minor things, i have to cry for at least 15 to 20 minutes. just felt forgotten, totally not loved. no matter how many times from the past have i convinced myself i am loved and that i should not be affected amd be content, it still comes back to me. past experiences and flashbacks. it just hurts. really badly.

no matter how much i have given and contributed, it just doesn't come out right. just felt that the payoff is not enough. i am not remembered. i am only remembered when people need help from me. or when i am of any use to them.

i know all these are transient, yet i'm human. afterall.

i didn't say it out, doesn't mean that i am not disappointed. i didn't say it doesn't mean that i don't feel the pain. i didn't say it out, it doesn't mean that i don't need someone to understand me.

it is just difficult to say it out loud. though it's bursting to come out.

plus if i say it out, would anyone believe? would anyone understand? would anyone comfort me?

most people would just think that i am annoying, attention-seeking and immature. why would anyone think much of it?

when i needed someone to talk to, i don't know who to turn to. hey, it's not like when you say, "hey! you can come talk to me!" that simple. you may be willing to listen but you may not be the right person and i'm not willing to tell you. and when it's those kind of times, i hope these people will stop bugging me.

and all the more, i hate it when people won't stop bugging me to help all the time. many times i am annoyed, when someone ask for help consistently, never understanding or asking if i am available or willing to do so. they just thrust it right in my face and expect me to help, regardless whether i am free or not. i am not to be taken for granted. i am not obliged to compromise. please understand that. you have your problems, i have mine too. and don't give me reasons that make me feel stupid and feel like puking. i am pissed. really pissed. exaggerated 'thank you's don't work on me.

deep in me. i never said that in anyone's face because i didn't want to hurt the person. but, i feel it's the last straw. you should try to learn and do your work yourself. really. stop being so dependent on anybody.

well, i shall stop all these ranting.

not sure why, but i am seriously pissed and emotional. today. hopefully. tomorrow will be a better day.

280509

2009-05-28T21:59:00.003+08:00

sick.

how timely. when the influenza A H1N1 is spreading and becoming a pandemic. i think whenever i cough, people would think that i have the flu. i've been trying very hard to keep my cough and sneeze down. LOL. and i went to the doctor and realised i have sinus. wow. after such a long time, finally know what's wrong with me.

interview.

anyway, had an interview the other day. received the results: rejected. well, didn't take it too hard. probably i have less expectations of myself. just glad i can get into university.

holiday.

finally, for one month. because of the JUNE HOLIDAYS! so happy. but it also means i lost the most amount of income (though it is only around $400 to $500 ++).

now for some photos.....lol. it's been such a long time since i took some photos.

we celebrated with shu fen her 19th birthday at fish and co. the glass house, with her nemo balloon on 8th may. below are 2 photos. lazy upload. the 2nd is me with the nemo and marlyn balloon. LOL.

this is me with the AJ 25th anniversary bear. we are both in AJ PE tee. LOL. first time i'm taking this type of photo. i look so funny. LOL. but the bear is cute. HAHAH. (i should be cute too!)

this,
is one of the ichigo aka strawberry that my father bought. SUPER BIG! and red too. mostly are sweet. so nice! sweet and sour. love it. ♥

070509

2009-05-07T20:21:00.002+08:00

slogans

looking at the slogans of schools today, i can't help but to question, "do these slogans really help in building the school, developing the students?"

to be frank, i feel that having all these glamorous words sometimes don't seem to work effectively at all. the spirit, the character of students are not built up by just those words and constant reminders of those slogans, but rather by the teachers and environment itself.

looking back at the past, the spirit of PL left me with deep impression, not because of all the slogans and words, but rather the people. great things sometimes do not need words to explain. it just happens like a small explosion in you. or rather like a seed in you, growing slowly, and into a bud and blossoming within you. just like the character of a person and spirit of a school.

to me, the slogans are of no specific use, probably just to look good to outsiders. so, rather than thinking of showy slogans, why not think about how to build up the spirit, the character, through activities and everyday life instead. it impacts on students greater than words. the students may not even understand the bombastic words, much less being impacted by them. moreover, they may even be bored by the repetition of the slogans. simple actions work better than words.

act rather than talk. walk the talk.

i believe is what the schools should do now.

300409

2009-04-30T21:48:00.002+08:00

best school

the best school i went to. i once thought that broadrick was like.....uh hmm and beatty too. never thought that PC was that GOOD. i had a headache after the day. feel super tired after 2 days there. the students are super noisy...super attitude. in all, it's the BEST school i went to.

money is not easy to earn. LOL.

but still, interesting things happened. sometimes don't know whether should i laugh at them or scold them. LOL. i cannot help it sometimes, but have to smile. =)

contradictory. anyway, that's me. heh.

fat

growing fat each day because i'm stuck to the couch and tv each day; sleep more than 9 hours during weekends and eat a lot everyday (too much fried food). haha. i suddenly realised,

food is not part of my life, it's my life.

haha, i cannot live without food! i love food too much. ♥

food = life.

and i cannot complain i'm growing fat, cause i deserve it! LOL.

fat fat fat.....i can feel my fats wobbling!

190409

2009-04-19T21:35:00.002+08:00

initiate.

ever felt initiating a conversation is tiring? yup. i felt this way nowadays. guess i'm not popular and people don't want talk to me. =( and i hate to initiate conversation. i feel that i always sound so despo. hahah. because i feel quite bored all the time these few days. sleeping my time away. cannot believe how many hours i sleep a day. i should learn to keep the sleep bug away. so people if you see this, be sure to talk to me if you see me online! LOL.

bleah. feel so bored! =/

100409

2009-04-10T20:49:00.003+08:00

i can't lie at all.

i can't bring myself to act as if i like them in front of people whom i dislike. it's really hard to control my body to do so. that's why i can't lie at all. there's a very clear line to what or who i like or love or what or who i hate. you can usually feel it from my behaviour. some people may say that i lack the eq. well, i admit this is so. i admit i cannot control my emotions well. i'm a very blur person as well.

lying. i can't do that at all. i hate lying. it always felt bad when i have to do it. i can't lie through my teeth. really. unless it's my own secrets that i don't want people to know. THAT is my privacy. and it's another thing. other stuff wise, nope...don't ever ask me to lie. you may say that i'm too inflexible or anything, but i feel that we all have the right to know the truth. it really weighs too much on me.

so people....know that don't ever ask me to lie. and as well, i believe in people. i believe what you all say. and please don't misuse this trust i have in all of you. i will feel really angry. really.

080409

2009-04-08T21:56:00.002+08:00

reminisce.

it's really great to be back my primary school. too see the little children running about reminded me of my primary school days. the hop-scotch area, the mango trees, the 200m track and field, the classrooms and the familiar teachers. oh, there's also still the picture that i once drawn with my classmate hanging at the staircase. reminisce the good times that i once had. but still, there is also a sense of strangeness, unfamiliar places and new murals on walls. so long....i have not heard the singing of christian songs. LOL. but still....love the songs. humming along with them. now i'm back as alumni. sound so old. no wonder the kiddies called me aunty.

"thank you, good-bye and God bless you aunty and uncle!"

little angels eh?

then....went to victoria jc today. met my friend...started talking a lot about the days during drama camp. who and who and who and who. LOL. then reminded me of secondary school and jc days. darn. i'm growing old such that i thinking so much of the past. hahha....but it's good to have this feeling back.

it feels good.

030409

2009-04-03T21:05:00.002+08:00

alone.

watching movie alone ain't that bad....really. probably i enjoy being alone too much.

having the whole row to yourself....plus 3 rows in front empty. not bad....LOL. i guess i delibrately chose that movie, to feel how it's like to have empty seats around me. to be alone...

i'm afraid i'll love that feeling...because i don't want to be alone all the time. i need some company sometimes....you know what i mean. =X

030409

2009-04-03T00:49:00.002+08:00

intruding

never really thought that reading people's blogs can be intruding their privacy. but the more i read...i really seem to be intruding. intruding a world that i don't know at all.

probably i lost contact with them. but still...the distant feeling don't feel that good. it's always that feeling that i'm lost in my own world. darn. (i've been using this word very frequently nowadays)

sometimes i wonder do i have an attitude problem? darn.

020409

2009-04-02T21:46:00.001+08:00

waiting

waiting for ntu's news. hopefully...will get in.

and i'm waiting for something else. hope it will come soon too. HOPEFULLY.

or maybe, not. it's too hard to wait and look for it. damn.

300309

2009-03-30T23:05:00.002+08:00

accepted

i'm accepted. can you believe it? darn....

but...we shall see what happens....

let's wait and observe.

250309

2009-03-25T20:40:00.002+08:00

feeling indignant.

damn. i'm feeling super indignant.

i hate people who always does the talking and not doing anything.

i hate people who bad mouth people when they are horrid themselves.

i hate poeple who think they are so good when they are not and still does the above.

i hate people who cannot tolerate a bit of inconvenience of his own and yet causes others' inconvenience.

i just hate people that is the combination of above.

170309

2009-03-17T23:25:00.002+08:00

MeSs

this is the point of time my mind is in a mess.

i need to clear my mind of what i want.

too many considerations just obstructs the clear mind i used to have.

face up to reality. face up.

mEsS

i want to know what lies ahead of me.

conflicts

bread or dreams? i'm back to square one ain't i?

someone once asked me, "don't you have dreams? up till now you still don't know what you want to do? that's sad..."

the fact is, i have...once, i had. but....as i said considerations from various aspects just overwhelmed me. hesistant to dare to say i have a dream and that i know what to do.

i am, but an ordinary person. pursuing dreams need $$$. not everyone can do so.

plus, i'm afraid i'll regret. i don't want people to suffer with me as well. i hate to drag people down. hate it so much.

under a different light, why not show what i can do? strive hard. prove them wrong shouldn't i? i already said, i am so risk averse. still...

TAKE RISKS. try it dear....

150309

2009-03-15T15:10:00.002+08:00

learn

there's so many things for me to learn. i have to know that life's not a bed of roses. nothing comes without hard work. i have to learn to try and be daring to try. never try i'll never know. things may not be as what it seems to be that tough (though life is definitely tough, who says it isn't?) but life still goes on. i should not always take the path that is the easiest. challenge myself to the limit. i should learn to be hopeful!

a new phase of life. new things to learn. i shall not succumb to circumstances but learn.

120309

2009-03-12T21:12:00.003+08:00

escape

i tend to escape from things that i feel it's difficult or stressful. i should learn to stop escaping. JIA YOU!

080309

2009-03-08T16:31:00.002+08:00

choices.

my mind's a whirlpool. i have what i want in mind but there are restrictions. i know i can go far as long as i put my mind on it. but others don't think so. i guess some are disillusioned and they 'advise' me not to. it's really irritating.

060309

2009-03-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

i am glad.

truly glad and satisfied with my results. =D

040309

2009-03-04T23:28:00.001+08:00

music.

i can't live without music now. music is part of my life.

music = life.

to some,

photography = life.

i'm not at that stage yet. let's see what will become of me. wait till i get my dslr. wait.

030309

2009-03-03T21:37:00.002+08:00

flu.

down with flu again. blocked nose, and runny nose (yah, i need to chase after it, as contributed by kenneth). why am i so prone to flu?

changes.

i realised i haven't changed much from my secondary school. really not much in terms of personality. i'm still as before. i'm glad for that, it just shows that i have not lost myself in the midst of chaotic messes in my life. i am who i am. (sounds cliche? true, but i'm really glad because i had been disillusioned for quite some time and this didn't come easy.)

changes for the better, i guess i did, somehow in small little ways. i learnt to give. it really brings joy. the small actions to show care and concern create a much bigger impact than i expected. do what i can for others, especially the ones i love. this is what i learnt from the ocip trip and definitely from my friends. again, i am glad to have such friends and able to experience it from the trip. to be precise, i was touched. truly. thank God for it. i am definitely a better person, less self-centered.

there's a lot of things i want to say...but i can't seem to think properly. probably the flu is catching on me.

all i know, it's a lovely world outside.

220209

2009-02-22T17:10:00.002+08:00

here.

when i post more often, it's not that i have lots to say, it's just emptiness i guess. i have no idea why i have such feelings but it just don't feel that good. really no good. in fact, i just feel bad.

i wanted to get out of here. just get out. just want to escape. but why? i don't understand myself at all. a mode to vent of these out. here. here. here.

keeping things to myself again. adding the skeleton to the numerous i have in my closet. wonder what will happen to me.

i really wonder.

210209

2009-02-21T20:44:00.002+08:00

codes

i realised i speak in codes all the time on this blog. that just shows that i have secrets to hide. which is much very true.

yesterday someone just described me as "incomprehensible" (you know who you are). the following are the next few descriptions of me by her:

i am an open book but the language may not be of what the person understands.
i seem to be hiding my past.
i have secrets to hide and choose not tell but i still try hard to keep myself an open book.

truly, i have secrets to hide just like everyone. but i seem to hide more skeletons in my closet than many others and i don't, probably, ever want anyone to know. this applies mainly to the emotions in me. so don't try to probe too much. what i want to tell, i will definitely tell. what i don't want you to know, don't push too hard. my mouth is sealed. =X

200209

2009-02-20T22:19:00.002+08:00

logic versus rashness

as the topic approaches, i always have the urge to say out, "why not let's try it..."yet, i'm stuck right there. it can never come out. my logic still overcomes the rashness. thank goodness.

omg, i must be really mad to think this way. there is something wrong with my mind. all thanks to the people surrounding me and that particular day. *smack*

hopefully the smack wakes me up.

yet,

it don't seem to work. darn it.

190209

2009-02-19T17:30:00.002+08:00

disppoint.

disappointed myself. hope i will not do that again. ALL THE BEST! =D

180209

2009-02-18T22:25:00.001+08:00

life, still goes on.

work as usual.
tv as usual.
food as usual.
computer as usual.

anything out of usual? life, as usual.

090209

2009-02-09T21:04:00.003+08:00

080209

a shock it really came to me. it didn't dawned on me this would happen. i guess, none of us did. but she had left us to be in our Father's hands.

i was not exactly close to her, but she in my impression was a cheerful, unique girl. most unforgettable was her smile, that definitely cheer people up and no one could be angry any longer. she gave her very best in the things she did. she did. especially to the thai kids.

i started crying, because i thought she deserved better. i really did. and i still do. the truth starts to sink in when i saw...it really pained me, like how it pained many of us. how we regretted not contacting more...how we did.

but i know i need not cry, though it's unbearable. because she is in our Father's hand. safe and sound as i know our Father will protect her. the least, she no longer needs to feel the pain she went through in her rough period.

her smile still etched in me deeply. fondly in my memories.

Extract from the PL's musical song, "The Father's Hand"

"He knows your pain, He'll never let you go
He gently holds your precious soul
He lifts you high and in His love you'll stand
Because you're holding the Father's Hand"

070209

2009-02-07T20:37:00.002+08:00

dislike

i really dislike, or even detest people who shoots out vulgarities (i mean the kind that are really insulting, i can accept the minor kind) like nothing. say it just once and i can still let it go, but don't use that word throughout the conversation! it just makes people around you uncomfortable and totally doubt your upbringing. it doesn't reflect very well on you in any way. seriously, especially if it's used on someone. even if you don't know that person, you will still feel quite bad for him or her (the person that someone is scolding), isn't it? probably it doesn't occur to everyone, but this emotion and feeling just rises in me. i just dislike that feeling. truly.

sincerely, i hope that i do not need to hear the beep sound everytime i walk pass people of my age. lol.

060209

2009-02-06T23:20:00.002+08:00

leftout

valentine's day coming soon, but (sadly) it doesn't involve me in one way or another. sad life, where such an interesting day has to be like a normal day. but have to remind me that i have to go for the ntu talk that day. -_-'

no choice, who ask meself to be left on the shelf. LOL. still waiting for someone to pick me off the shelf! sound as if i'm an item!

sometimes, you will find the wait tedious, really, and tiring. you will feel as if you would want to just stop. but somehow, you will still be holding to that hope.

let nature take its course. =D

010209

2009-02-01T14:27:00.002+08:00

he's so cute....LOL. i really suspect that i'm a paedophile. he stuck with me when he came to my house during new year. when i left him to play on his own, and to have my lunch, he would come over and poke me till i hold him in his hand and accompany him. isn't he cute? LOL. i love young toddlers and children. because their eyes always exude their innocence and the keeness for discovery. no hidden agenda at all.

i aim to take photos of children when i get my own dslr. LOL. wish me luck.

280109

2009-01-28T20:58:00.002+08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

anyway, it is unbelievable that i had a swollen left eye on the second day of the chinese new year. lol. weird things always happen to me on imortant days. because i'm a weird person. LOL. anyway, shall upload photos soon. MUAHAHAx. hope to have a great year ahead!

path.

i've decided my path. it's either business course or psychology. or else minor psychology. LOL. shall strive towards it! JIAYOU!

24012008

2009-01-24T15:10:00.003+08:00

ever seen a basil plant bloom in singapore? i didn't, until our basil plant did. all thanks to my mum's miraculous hands that brought life back to this plant. blooming, the signs of spring.

this plant is not the only plant. the cactus in our house? it was dying, but under my mother's meticulous care, it not only survived, but brought loads of its descendants to our house. ever since my mum put a "fu" word on it. its pot is literally flooded with cacti.

see what i mean? there's more cacti, but in different pots. it is 3 generations in 1 pot. we decided that it needed family planning and removed the "fu" word to stop it from reproducing more. wonder will it work?

chinese new year in 2 days time. there's nothing much for me to clear this year, because my room is already neat and tidy. i realised it has been a long time since i posted photos in this blog. time to keep a look out for good photos, hwee lin!

20012009

2009-01-20T20:00:00.001+08:00

payday.

i can't wait for payday. =D and new year too. lol.

16012009

2009-01-16T21:00:00.002+08:00

busy with work

until i really love weekends. LOL. type dozens of names of students everyday on top of the assistant job. i think i'm even going to dream of names, especially the malay names. i hope to earn enough money to buy the things i want and also things for my family! make up for the money i spent over the holidays. yup. hopefully, i'll make it! =D

06012008

2009-01-06T20:48:00.002+08:00

as requested by jx, i shall talk about my first day of work as a photography assistant. lol.

anyway, the first assignment is passport photography @ victoria school. i did mainly the admin stuff, like collecting money and recording some information. i made mistakes throughout but still, the day went through okay. it was interesting to be working with a photographer becuase you can learn some things. it is sort of the job that i wanted to take and experience. not a bad experience anyway.

but i am super tired today, which i don't understand why. becuase i only worked from 0730 to 1330, but i had to wake up at 0500 +. i think i've been slacking too much lately then i cannot adapt to working again! LOL.

and from tomorrow onwards i'll be working even later, to even 1730. we shall see, we shall see. hope i learn and gain from this job (besides being financially).

anything you want to learn more from me, ask me when you see me, becuase i cannot put everything in my blog. =D

02012009

2009-01-02T14:22:00.003+08:00

a new year and time for some resolutions (after some inspiration from eliz and the "a very merry pooh year" LOL. cannot believe i watch such shows, eh?)

MY RESOLUTIONS AND WISHES

I hope I will:

have a great working attitude this year for my upcoming job, which i would most probably be working for half a year.
be like piglet, i shall learn not to be afraid, but face everything bravely.
explore myself more, to learn more about myself.
learn to be less socially awkward and less shy. (observe hwee lin, observe...)
figure out what interest me the most ( somehow i find housework does interest me. LOL.)
be nicer to friends and update myself on them.
be nicer to my family.
be like a wild rose, to learn to grow to be stronger.

it's just a list that could go on and on. there's many other minute and trivial things i loved to do and hope i could do. just hope nothing burdens me down this year. be more cheerful, both on the inside and on the outside! LOL. smile. =)

31122008

2008-12-31T10:59:00.002+08:00

just 13 hours to the new year..... my new year resolution? still wondering...to be like a wild rose, beautiful and calm but willing to draw blood to its own defense. why not? Heidenroslein. Rosebud in the heather.

29122008

2008-12-29T15:58:00.002+08:00

a new year approaching, i should have a new goal (plus a new blogskin). wonder what shall it be. i'm falling into a habit of staying in the same place over and over and over again. change it shall.

23122008

2008-12-23T18:54:00.002+08:00

Your EQ is 127

You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.

On an average day, you're quite happy, together, and content. You live your life well.

Your emotions aren't always stable, but you can go along with the ups and downs pretty well.

You tend to be motivated, energetic, focused, and level headed.

You see the world pretty rationally, and you don't tend to over dramatize things. When things are bad, you know they eventually have to get better.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my eldest sister and congrats her on finally passing her driving test. =D LOL. today's a good day! donated blood at blood bank and receiving some news on a part time photography assistant job. LOL. good, we shall see....my emails paid off. HAHA. i am so thick skin.

22122008

2008-12-22T13:51:00.003+08:00

for a moment, i forgot what i wanted to write. lol. and i'm still trying to remember...

christmas is coming and i'm rotting at home. to update some of the people, i am currently unemployed. i shall start advertising myself.

anyone who needs a photography assistant (temporary, a few months, i cannot commit myself to permanent), please email to vpotatochip@hotmail.com. and i am not experienced in such area, though i am in for photography for 2 years, especially in event photography.

lol. i was in fact asked to go for an interview for the job as an assistant photographer for event photography (school event some more!). i wouldn't have minded and probably go all for it if it wasn't a PERMANENT full-time job. would have loved it since it was what i have been doing for around 1 year? sadly, i let slip of the opportunity. and i went to recruit express the other day with shu fen (wanted to ask ying hui but she's not feeling all that well) to seek for jobs. saw aj people anyway. LOL. what a small world.

anyway, finally watched 海角七号. nice. it is such a common word to describe anything. fantastic! marvelous! wonderful! lol. it's just against my feelings. it is a kind of warmth that lingers when you watch it. little stories of people. the different lights of life and how people cope with their lives. everyone is different. just makes you see things from different perspectives. no doubt, there are parts of humour and comedy. like the "马拉桑"! LOL.

"可是我真的不差..."

12122008

2008-12-12T17:29:00.002+08:00

my favourite band. MUAHAHA. >.< precise! LOL. to listen to them play of course. their stage presence is totally superb. can be super high. actually, i should put this on my other blog, the one msn space, because it's chinese. oh well, i still like them all the same! MAYDAY! haha.

going to watch 海角七号! finally. =D

08122008

2008-12-08T23:17:00.003+08:00

free.

i am so darn free now that i can't stand it. just hope work hurry come to me. i can't be forever going out anyway. it just makes me feel that my life is in such a mess. seriously, i envy those who go out to work. it is really tiring to stay at home all day and stare at the ceiling. because i don't know when my work is coming in, i can't go look for other jobs either. this is irritating.

occupy.

i need something to occupy me or else i will get depressed more easily than ever. it's easy to identify from my recent posts. i start to think about funny stuff. better stop that. *SNAP* out of it.

anyway, just went to eliz's chalet the other day on 6th (but her birthday was on the 7th, yes, the same as another person and a lot of other persons), it was really fun to be around my friends again. joking around and them saying that i'm lamer than ever. LOL. never had a good laugh until then. something warm was flowing within and out of me then. i felt a lot better. probably because i felt that i am myself again and that people understands me. that's why they say secondary school friends are the lifetime friends. i guess it is true.

and lastly, anyone who wants to watch 海角七号, please tell me! i want to watch. if no one does, i'll go on to watch alone. LOL.

i'm really feeling better. loads. thanks for those who showed the concern. i appreciate it. =D

and i miss photography. miss it so much. should take more photos the next time i go out. but i'm just too shy. LOL.

05122008

2008-12-05T18:32:00.004+08:00

analysing

myself recently. what i can do and what i cannot. what are my good points. the end result? i can't seem to find anything good about me. bad points just flow through my mind, but my good points seem to dwindle away, like little streams of water. my bad points appear to overpower my good points. i cannot do a lot of things compared to what i can do. and what can i do for my future?

sometimes i just hate my past so much that i don't even want to think about. regretting about a lot of things i did. because of it, i cannot make a single decision without hesitation. i'm not daring myself. a nagging voice is always behind me whenever i want to make a decision. so many things to consider sometimes that i find myself stagnant, standing always where i am when everyone's moving on.

i hate that feeling.

guilt whenever i go out. guilt guilt guilt. fear fear fear. what's there to fear about anyway? i am seriously not sure. i envy others. i know there's nothing to envy but...it's just inside me, within my heart.

i hate lying.

and i am not a good liar (not that it's good to lie). i hate the feeling of lying to people. i hate deceiving people. but the fear and guilt and everything just smack me to decision to lie. it felt so horrid. really horrid. i never liked lying from young. anyway, the truth always come out from my mouth. and sometimes, i just keep silent. that's not helping in any way either.

from hopeful to being depressed. that isn't supposed to go about. but it is going this way.

why do i always start tearing whenever i write a post?

29112008

2008-11-29T01:00:00.005+08:00

deception. master of disguise.

what i appear to own seemed to be unreal. i thought i have ______. i thought i had the things that content me, yet it seemed to me it's no longer there. they are the masters of diguise. deep down, i am never there. when you come to a point of realisation, you can't seem to know where to turn to, who to turn to at all. i'm worried. i am worried. but who can i say it to? i really don't know. perhaps it's just the many secrets that i'm hiding. i find it hard to open my mouth to say something i really want to say so even though it's bursting to be free. i don't know why i lost all courage. i lost all my patience. and i lost my own control. it is really worrying to me that i've been crying....

i am not sure why....so many things happen. my mind can't think of anything else but for myself. restrained...afraid. why why why?

27112008

2008-11-27T12:01:00.003+08:00

strength

now i know that i am not as strong as i thought myself to be.

a weakling i am. never knew i was so weak iuntil i experienced it myself. as i grow older, i get weaker. i don't know why and i don't know ho. it just seem to get worse. i want to be strong, but i am not. iam acceepting this fact. i shall and i will accept it. it is part of me, no matter ihow i wish i would not be.

25112008

2008-11-25T17:49:00.002+08:00

worries

people are going to find me so crazy that after A's i will have so many worries. i am the reverse of normal. many things seem to bug me (especially my A's results which will not be out till next year) which usually don't bug me at all. just find it overwhelming at times. that's why my pimples popping like crazy. LOL. It's just a week after A's and it felt like ages. seriously, what is wrong with me?

14112008

2008-11-14T21:11:00.002+08:00

i feel so terribly pathetic.

this has nothing to do with my exams. it's something else that's bothering me. it just make me feel that i am irksome and pathetic. i'm sinking back to my old self, a few years back.

unloved.

i have tried convincing myself i'm not _____ but can't seem to rid myself of that feeling. i just don't know what's the matter with me these few days. that monster is back to haunt me again. and i guess i'm soon closing myself up, in my old shell. old habits seem to die hard. the more i try, the more i seem to be trapped. trapped in this stupid cycle which seeming is perpetual, never going to stop. i just wish this would go away, but the gnawing feeling keeps taunting me. just GO AWAY. that's my plea.

hopefully, time will heal? but as far as i am concerned, it's not effective for me. i shall look for another alternative. i shall till i get rid of it. once and for all.

10112008

2008-11-10T17:17:00.002+08:00

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"

Chinese Proverb

i've not been working out what i've put on my blog and i view this line everytime. yet, it didn't seem to motivate me. something inside of me is crumbling, and there is really no sense of motivation for me in any way.

i guess the most important thing here is that i don't seem to have a goal for me to strive on. like a headless fly, flying in all directions but getting nowhere.

this is really not optimistic, probably, i truly lack the resilience to strive on. or sometimes i feel as if my 'fuel' has ran out. still, there's no way of stopping, no way of giving up. all i can do is to get by, for the time being.

01112008

2008-11-01T21:34:00.002+08:00

faltering

trying very hard not to falter
desperately clinging for support
in no avail
left alone.

convincing myself not to fall
but i'm so afraid of falling
look aloof
but i'm not.

deep in me?
who knows what flows through inside.
perhaps, only God knows.

to think of it,
it's the choice i chose.
the path i took.
take it with pride.

i can't bear the disappointed faces.
what can i do now?
just watch and wait.
do what i can do and wait...

for doom or for paradise?

it's for Him to decide.

01112008

2008-11-01T15:33:00.002+08:00

medical immortality

take note, not immorality. LOL. just read this article or passage on medical immortality. it talks about how people can be 'immortal' medically, i.e. we can survive or we are immune to diseases and viruses or else there is a cure for it. we will have life extension. it talks about the gains and shortcomings of it.

what i feel about immortality is that it can induce lots of fear in people, it brings about huge changes in life undoubtingly. however, is medical immortality what we are pursuing?

looking at the problems we have, especially having those problems with ageing population. to think about it, medical immortality adds on to this problem the modern society. life extension, i believe brings no meaning to this world, irregardless what benefits the scientists or others believe in. what is the point of extending life, if the person has nothing with meaning to do in this world, what is the point of extending your life? personal experiences with the eldery and people depicts this very true picture of how some of them do not wish to live such a long life because they live day by day, not knowing the true sense of living and the purpose of living. so what's the use of extending your life then?

besides, is this progress? i believe not. to see your loved ones pass away or see them leaving you is hurtful, pain and brings about trememdous impact in you. however, life extension itself, does it necessary bring happiness to you? something in me tells me no. to give life extension means to continue to live in the past, to forever to keep to your comfort zone. perhaps, the life extension does not bring happiness to your loved ones, but in fact pain instead. again, what is the point then?

additionally, i would say, medical immortality is impossible. no matter what others say. this world is ever changing. are you sure you can be immune to all diseases forever? i guess not, viruses can mutate. diseases can become more lethal. see the recent cases of disease epidemic? bird flu and SARS? who says we can be immune and cure all diseases? whether we want to believe in it or not, humans can be both strong and weak. in fact, we are weak against nature.

moral immortality? nay, i guess it's not for me. i prefer to follow nature.

23102008

2008-10-23T18:45:00.002+08:00

i am officially employed.

lol. this is interesting. i will be working after exams. ok, i'll have an income. not bad. guess i can't go back thailand this year. chalet, guess i'll be reaching there at night. LOL. and eliz! if you are reading this...i may be able to go to your chalet only at night i guess!

11102008

2008-10-11T13:06:00.003+08:00

farewell.

it's not as if i have very strong feelings for AJ, but the sense of leaving the true "student-hood" saddens me. and the friends we made, we are going to be separated again.

the farewell party for 0607, i guess it is the first and last party that our class had with our teachers. we invited ms pillai (most important our pd tutor), mr tan and toh. it's the only time that we sat down with teachers to chat about a lot of things...but again, sadly, it is the last time i suppose, in AJ. we had great fun taking photos and fooling around.

all the things that happened seemed like yesterday ( i don't mean the party, it really happened yesterday) and time just fly real fast.

goodbye

as the great day looms near,
we start to ponder
where to go
or even what to do.

still remember the time we started?
fresh with hopes,
great ambitions pour through,
in search for the true goal to pursue.

under the power of fate,
we recreate,
a new class born.

together we share:
the times of funny moments,
the times of sadness.
the times of anxiety,
the times of fear.

with a blink of eye (i know it sounds cliche)
now it's time.

it's time to learn to let it go.
it's time to learn to say goodbye.

all colours of words fade away,
as the sound of this word reverberates,

it's all black and white,
and tears and fears.

no word is as strong
to send this message,
straight to our hearts,
piercing through.

goodbye, my friends,
goodbye.

farewell, my friends,
farewell.

may we meet again someday,
hope it be soon to come.
never will we forget,
the times we had.
i hope.

goodbye.
always remember,
the sun will rise for you and me.

04102008

2008-10-04T18:43:00.003+08:00

my new notebook. msi wind u100. go google to see how it looks! but i was really angry when i received the notebook. not to talk about it, but it's just the problem with the service. by the way, i got the white one. i sould have bought the black one, because too many people bought the white one. and the black one looks super sleek. =(

if you ask me how am i progressing, i seriously cannot answer that question. whenever i feel prepared, my results show me otherwise. i wonder how i can do well. tell me how.

*~vPoTatoChiP~*

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~vPoTatoChiP~