“Just like the butterfly,
I too
will awaken in my own time.”

Deborah Chaskin

Tuesday, April 24, 2007
aj family day just ended on 21st april. the theme was joie de vivre - love for life. 06/07! well done! we've earned a profit! haha.

Sunday, April 15, 2007
p.s camp just ended, and i feeling very tired and depressed at the same time, for some reason. this camp is totally freaky as it was filled with presentations and interviews, interviews in search of exco members. i can say, though i made it to the 2nd round, i can say i didn't do well in it. not that i badly want to be the exco member or what so ever, but i feel totally so useless after the whole thing. all these negativity just starts to flow into me. during the whole camp, i slept at 3+am everyday and waking up at 5+am or 6+am. exhausting. this didn't help to put all my nagativity away.

there were many many many problems that existed throughout. the mixed messages, which in fact got us (the j1 camp committe and jm) into great trouble.the the snowballing of events and changes due to external influences that were beyond our control. all these made us really tired and left us demoralised. after the second day, we were all emotionally and physically tired.

one most memorable event for me will probably be the "shooting star" , which me, ps and qp saw on the first night at the track. the guys didn't believe us, but we were convinced we saw it. really. we did. that hope lingered in us. the common conviction we had.

but this camp brought me back to reality. the real world outside. of the backstabbing incidents and the shirking of responsibilities to save their own neck that happened throughout. the lies that they said and i said. the evils of this world. dislike for some people and whom we like. i just cannot take all these. i had tried, time by time, to ignore all this. yet now again, i have to face it right in my face. the self-denial and naiveity. i must stop being naive. the world will never accept me with truth, naiveity and true self. you may say, probably i'm just emo-ing or pms-ing or whatever. but that's what i really see. what i really hear. what i really feel. the true feelings inside of me.

Until the end of camp, i felt like crying, crying out loud. not of sadness of leaving or end of this camp, but the fear of losing my pride, the hopes on me. and the fear of facing all these. what do we call this? ... expectations. that's why i prefer to keep all my feelings to myself. i do not want people to see the true self of me. i lied. i put on a facade. i had no courage. i'm a weakling.

my mindset now is no longer what i used to be. i'm thinking of the negative side. the bad side. the pessimist. no longer how i look on the bright side. i know i have to face it. i have to be practical. i have to learn. learn to push all these behind me. if i want to survive. yet, this ethical pressure will forever be on top of me. depriving me of happiness, hope, joy and kindness. i'm gasping for breath now. why? humans have to be like this? i'm just not what i used to be. just not, after just one camp.

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