Wednesday, July 28, 2010
i do not know if i have ever mentioned this here....but i have been reminded once again, memories that i tried so hard to erase. It's probably been left so far back in my mind that i thought it has been deleted like how i delete my files on the computer.
but,
it came back to me again this day. this moment. or maybe many moments this week.
i have never told anyone this before. i have never openly admitted this. but i'm going to say it here now. (not that many people will read this)
i feel inferior all the time. many times. in front of many people. i feel inferior. you thought it should be called humbleness, but no. in fact i was feeling inferior. and because i feel inferior, i try not to let people know about this. trying so hard to hide, how bad i feel about myself.
i have been trying to stop this feeling from growing over the years, by telling myself in the mirror every morning, "You're great!". it did slowed down that feeling from growing and overtaking my life, but still it's always lingering in me.
my sister once told me that i don't seem to be inferior at all, because no matter how hard she tried to put me down with all the horrible names, i don't seem to be taunted. how wrong she was. it's just so that i put up a strong hide to keep that vulnerable self intact. i do not want people to look down on me. but yet, i look down on myself.
because of how my family members had put me down over the years, i had subconsciously convinced myself that i am no good at all. i have no confidence in myself. i never knew i could do things beyond my reach.
i cannot remember how i managed to walk slightly out of the shadow. i cannot remember the process. but i am still in the shadow. thinking about it just brought tears into my eyes.
why i am thinking about this, because that swelling feeling of inferiority appears again. very recently. and i detest myself so much. i disliked my personality. disliked my all. i feel that i have nothing that is worth.
and once again, i feel out of place. too many a times. and this makes me recall how i cried myself to sleep at night in my secondary school days. i thought i have toughened. but apparently not.
i learnt to be independent, but i have not learnt to cope with loneliness. i learnt to work alone, but i have not learnt to handle rejections. i thought i had matured, but i realised that kid in me had never ever grew up. never had and never will. what is inside holding me back all these while, can never be removed. i do badly want to move on. i do badly want to feel confident of myself, and be glad i that i am me. but i just cannot do so. i cannot accept myself.
i always thought there was something wrong with me, that no one likes me. probably there is. i always tried to find ways to change myself for people to accept me. the changes, made me lost.
............
Swallowtail 10:45:00 PM