Saturday, November 29, 2008
deception. master of disguise.what i appear to own seemed to be unreal. i thought i have ______. i thought i had the things that content me, yet it seemed to me it's no longer there. they are the masters of diguise. deep down, i am never there. when you come to a point of realisation, you can't seem to know where to turn to, who to turn to at all. i'm worried. i am worried. but who can i say it to? i really don't know. perhaps it's just the many secrets that i'm hiding. i find it hard to open my mouth to say something i really want to say so even though it's bursting to be free. i don't know why i lost all courage. i lost all my patience. and i lost my own control. it is really worrying to me that i've been crying....
i am not sure why....so many things happen. my mind can't think of anything else but for myself. restrained...afraid. why why why?
Swallowtail 1:00:00 AM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
strengthnow i know that i am not as strong as i thought myself to be. a weakling i am. never knew i was so weak iuntil i experienced it myself. as i grow older, i get weaker. i don't know why and i don't know ho. it just seem to get worse. i want to be strong, but i am not. iam acceepting this fact. i shall and i will accept it. it is part of me, no matter ihow i wish i would not be.
Swallowtail 12:01:00 PM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
worries people are going to find me so crazy that after A's i will have so many worries. i am the reverse of normal. many things seem to bug me (especially my A's results which will not be out till next year) which usually don't bug me at all. just find it overwhelming at times. that's why my pimples popping like crazy. LOL. It's just a week after A's and it felt like ages. seriously, what is wrong with me?
Swallowtail 5:49:00 PM
Friday, November 14, 2008
i feel so terribly pathetic.this has nothing to do with my exams. it's something else that's bothering me. it just make me feel that i am irksome and pathetic. i'm sinking back to my old self, a few years back.
unloved.i have tried convincing myself i'm not _____ but can't seem to rid myself of that feeling. i just don't know what's the matter with me these few days. that monster is back to haunt me again. and i guess i'm soon closing myself up, in my old shell. old habits seem to die hard. the more i try, the more i seem to be trapped. trapped in this stupid cycle which seeming is perpetual, never going to stop. i just wish this would go away, but the gnawing feeling keeps taunting me. just GO AWAY. that's my plea.
hopefully, time will heal? but as far as i am concerned, it's not effective for me. i shall look for another alternative. i shall till i get rid of it.
once and for all.
Swallowtail 9:11:00 PM
Monday, November 10, 2008
"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"Chinese Proverb
i've not been working out what i've put on my blog and i view this line everytime. yet, it didn't seem to motivate me. something inside of me is crumbling, and there is really no sense of motivation for me in any way.
i guess the most important thing here is that i don't seem to have a goal for me to strive on. like a headless fly, flying in all directions but getting nowhere.
this is really not optimistic, probably, i truly lack the resilience to strive on. or sometimes i feel as if my 'fuel' has ran out. still, there's no way of stopping, no way of giving up. all i can do is to get by,
for the time being.
Swallowtail 5:17:00 PM
Saturday, November 01, 2008
falteringtrying very hard not to falter
desperately clinging for support
in no avail
left alone.
convincing myself not to fall
but i'm so afraid of falling
look aloof
but i'm not.
deep in me?
who knows what flows through inside.
perhaps, only God knows.
to think of it,
it's the choice i chose.
the path i took.
take it with pride.
i can't bear the disappointed faces.
what can i do now?
just watch and wait.
do what i can do and wait...
for doom or for paradise?
it's for Him to decide.
Swallowtail 9:34:00 PM
medical immortalitytake note, not immorality. LOL. just read this article or passage on medical immortality. it talks about how people can be 'immortal' medically, i.e. we can survive or we are immune to diseases and viruses or else there is a cure for it. we will have life extension. it talks about the gains and shortcomings of it.
what i feel about immortality is that it can induce lots of fear in people, it brings about huge changes in life undoubtingly. however, is medical immortality what we are pursuing?
looking at the problems we have, especially having those problems with ageing population. to think about it, medical immortality adds on to this problem the modern society. life extension, i believe brings no meaning to this world, irregardless what benefits the scientists or others believe in. what is the point of extending life, if the person has nothing with meaning to do in this world, what is the point of extending your life? personal experiences with the eldery and people depicts this very true picture of how some of them do not wish to live such a long life because they live day by day, not knowing the true sense of living and the purpose of living. so what's the use of extending your life then?
besides, is this progress? i believe not. to see your loved ones pass away or see them leaving you is hurtful, pain and brings about trememdous impact in you. however, life extension itself, does it necessary bring happiness to you? something in me tells me no. to give life extension means to continue to live in the past, to forever to keep to your comfort zone. perhaps, the life extension does not bring happiness to your loved ones, but in fact pain instead. again, what is the point then?
additionally, i would say, medical immortality is
impossible. no matter what others say. this world is ever changing. are you sure you can be immune to all diseases forever? i guess not, viruses can mutate. diseases can become more lethal. see the recent cases of disease epidemic? bird flu and SARS? who says we can be immune and cure all diseases? whether we want to believe in it or not, humans can be both strong and weak. in fact, we are weak against nature.
moral immortality? nay, i guess it's not for me. i prefer to follow nature.
Swallowtail 3:33:00 PM