Tuesday, August 24, 2010
i try so hard not to think.
yet, i cannot not think about it. keep myself happy as to keep the others happy. i cannot cry at this moment. i cannot. i know i can't. but i cannot help.
never knew this would ever happen to me. but it did. i once thought about it, but i dismissed it. because it's hard and painful to think about.
i laugh. i smile. all day long. putting it behind my head. but still i think about it.
but,
i guess it's gonna be alright.
i hope it will.
it has to.
Swallowtail 11:43:00 PM
Saturday, August 07, 2010
dear me.
horrid temper i have. when i get real pissed, i think i look horrible. oh gosh. or perhaps, i never look right anyway.
i get pretty irritable these few days. flaring up at the slightest thing. i know what's wrong with me, but i can't stop it. i can't force myself to stop feeling that way, though i want to try to do so.
i can't. i seriously can't.
just like how the song "i can't make you love me" by george michael goes:
"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't..."
i cannot stop that feeling from swelling. i'm trapped too long in this house that i'm losing myself. i gave all my attention to others and received none. though they say, give rather than to receive, but it still feels bad. really bad. and what i've been waiting for, never came....for so long.
it's like a parcel sent from far away, probably lost in the way. but perhaps, it was never sent out.
that's why i don't receive it at all. and i'll never will receive it.
passively waiting. waiting for that parcel, which will probably never come. or maybe, i have no rights in receiving the parcel. no rights at all.
and this explains why i feel so irritable. because i cannot say how i feel; because i have to put on a mask in front of people; because my tear glands won't listen to me at all; and because i feel ugly.
dear me.
what a horrid temper i have.
Swallowtail 2:12:00 AM