“Just like the butterfly,
I too
will awaken in my own time.”

Deborah Chaskin

Wednesday, December 26, 2007
it's the last debrief today. had the usual reflections stuff plus the thanking part. i found out that not only saying sorry requires lots of courage, thanking people also require a lot of the courage to do so. but i really want to thank my teaching partner, xue ling for always being there to support me during class. without her, i doubt i can conduct any lessons at all. i'm not a very good teacher. i also thanked jen yun for being my partner for both the science camp and homestay. had great fun with her. LOL. with this thanking session, i realised i haven't thanked my family for a very long time. i take what they do for granted. it really makes me really guilty. it's the same thing over and over again. i can do things for other people but not for my own family. i haven't been putting enough into this family. i guess i have to take some time to slowly, get that 'thank you' word out of my mouth.

All the reflections i made and i heard really made me think of what i should do to change. it, in fact changed the way i think now. and through the whole trip, i found the real me. especially through the science camp. the sense of identity i've lost when i came into jc. i somehow lost what i used to be when i came to aj. with all the work and everything. i lost drive in doing a lot of things that i used to enjoy, that had been my passion. it seemed to be my burden. for that particular period of time, i found the ME that i used to be. the happier me. i wonder now, how can i keep it with me. i'm one who cares a lot about how people see me. and i realised i don't make a lot of friends. i can't seem to find a person of the same frequency as me. sometimes, i just feel left out. and i'm pondering now, why do people leave me out sometimes. when they don't care about me at all, when they don't bother to tell me things, such as outings. is it the image that i give to them that i'm super autistic? seriously sometimes, i find that i really 'autistic' in the way that i close myself up. i do thinking and i literally ignore others. or probably the reactions i give to someone, i feel it probably may have offended them or just shut them away from me, which i didn't intend to do at all. i do it unknowingly, helplessly. i should really think of how to stop me from giving the wrong reactions. but i definitely won't want to be a time-pleaser who pleases everyone.

how can i be a better person?

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