i'm going zoo tomorrow. with my family. going to see my relatives. lol.
sometimes i just feel like filling my blog with crap. seriously. because i love talking and can talk non-stop. hoping someone will be willing to listen to my crap. i hate keeping things to myself. unless i forget real fast. and i realised i am a repeating machine. cannot stand myself for being such a chatterbox.
i need people to listen to me.
i realise that is me.
Swallowtail 4:40:00 PM
woke up crying.
it was an incredible feeling. didn't realise that i was really crying in reality until i felt the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. and i was crying pretty loudly. lol. funny that my father and sister didn't wake up. when i realised, i started wiping my tears away and went back to sleep, wondering why did i cry because of a dream.
the dream was at my grandma's birthday party (with loads of crappy stuff before that, like playing volleyball with some celebrity -_-'''), then i was in the room (using the computer, when i don't even have a computer in my room), didn't know that people were already singing birthday song and so on and leaving pretty soon. when i got out of the room, i realised everybody was gone. asked my family members why they didn't call me out. they said, they did and since i didn't come out, they went on without me. and then i ran back to my room and cried. that's when i woke up. it was the feeling of being left out in the family event that left me crying.
it's not the first time i had similar dreams. but it's the first one that i cried myself awake. lol. it's very much ridiculous because my parents and sisters would never leave me out in family events. it's impolite for me to stay in the room anyway. but still, is my dream telling me something?
i don't know. and probably won't know. haven't been having such dreams for a long long time. the emotions felt too real. but i'm my normal self now.
Swallowtail 2:58:00 PM
handwriting analysis
Welcome Tan Hwee Lin, here is your handwriting analysis.
Tan is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.Tan will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Tan an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.
When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Tan is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.
Tan is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Tan doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
Tan will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Tan believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.
Tan will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!
Tan is a cumulative and procedural thinker. She likes to have all the facts before making a decision. She thinks or creates much like a brick mason, stacking fact upon fact. Her thought pattern or the conclusion will not be complete until the last fact is in place. Like that brick wall, Tan learns faster through visual demonstration than through quick verbal instructions. Once she has learned new material, and understood it, she won't forget.
Tan is a methodical thinker, therefore she is able to build things and come up with new ideas. In an argument, she often loses to rapid thinking people because she is thinking thirty minutes later about what she should have said. These people often are very booksmart, but can be out-gunned in a rapid fire verbal debate.
She may learn new ideas at a slower pace than other "less detailed" people, but once she gets it, she can handle repetition. Some people hate jobs with too much repetition, she can handle it better than most.
Tan's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Tan that she wasn't a great and beautiful person, and she believed them. Tan also has a fear that she might fail if she takes large risks. Therefore she resists setting her goals too high, risking failure. She doesn't have the internal confidence that frees her to take risks and chance failure. Tan is capable of accomplishing much more than she is presently achieving. All this relates to her self-esteem. Tan's self-concept is artificially low. Tan will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because she is afraid that if she makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Tan to plan too far into the future. She kind of takes things on a day to day basis. She may tell you her dreams but she is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud she speaks, look at her actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Tan is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
Tan has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.
Swallowtail 4:08:00 PM
big bruise on my right wrist. i haven't been holding my racket the right way.
limbs still ache. my waist too. woah. it seems that i haven't been doing exercise. seriously, badminton is one that i don't feel too much of a fatigue while playing. basketball, on the other hand is the one that i am so sure that i lack stamina. cool, should ask eliz play with me someday, with net.
blogs.
i realised some people just don't understand some blogs. someone once told me that she don't understand what i'm talking about on my blog. and someone commented that my friend's blog is too abtract.
for the case of my blog, there are 2 types of people who would say that: 1) you don't understand me 2) you are just not reading beyond my words.
i'm not trying to say that i am that deep or anything, but you are really not thinking hard enough if you don't understand what i mean sometimes. this is because what i write on my blog is simply my realisation of life and the world and what i really feel about my life. nothing complicated at all. and i don't use bombastic words anyway (not that i can. my vocab is limited. what's more, i bold the topic and key points that i emphasize. how can you not catch that?) i do not like to pin-point anyone in my blog entries and it is not necessary for all blogs to regurgitate the incidents that happened. if you prefer to read the daily rantings of blog, i would just kindly ask you to read other blogs. at this point, i am not saying people are superficial or whatever and i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i just hope people will understand that not all blogs are always the normal stuff. i want to say my blog do not just record the events of my life - it records something deeper. if you have not realised, i do think a lot before i publish the entries.
and another thing, it is not necessary for the readers to understand fully what the blogger is trying to say. probably they don't want anyone to understand at all. it is just a way to vent their emotions. it is just a medium.
the aim of my blog?
4 functions: 1) a form of reflection 2) hope people will see what i see of life (in the positive way) 3) a medium where i can vent my emotions 4) record of my growing journey.
my blog took over my diaries in primary school. as i read through my past diaries, i would say it's horrid. but i get to understand myself a lot better. i will know what i felt strongly about, my worries and fears. i can find out how i grew to be the kind of person i am now. that's why i believe in recording it down. i do not have a good memory and memories do get thwarted over the years. it is better for me to start recording now to get a clearer picture of myself. i may then learn to grow, to be a better person. it may become precious knowledge. who knows? if i have a child next time, i may be able to get him or her to find out more about himself or herself, using my past experience. lol. i am thinking too far off.
for people who do not think much about blogs, here's something for you to know: blogs do portray a lot about someone. and it can be a lot deeper than you think.
Swallowtail 8:24:00 PM
badminton is so addictive.
played for hours the whole day, aching limbs now. but at least, i'm playing a lot better than the past. and i should keep my right hand well for the next few days for my prelims. i've strained too much on it. starting to feel it.
i still need time to consider about my future. but i guess i should do that after the A'levels. to be frank, i'm afraid of stepping into the society. it just seem so hard and cold. but i need to face it, it is not up to me to decide. might as well try to adapt and pray hard that it will work out fine. probably it won't be that bad after all.
now, i shall concentrate on my studies. PRELIMS.
Swallowtail 9:22:00 PM
beijing olympics 2008 men's badminton finals
lin dan vs lee chong wei. wasn't as exciting as the lin dan vs ng wei. it was that match that got me started on badminton matches. however, i still find that lin dan really didn't have a good temperamental (is it spelt this way?), from the way he attacked his opponent, he is not a guy that you can fool around with. truly viscous in his attacks. leave no time for the opponent to rebound or recover. probably a extremely apt reflection of his character. lee chong wei didn't perform well at all, could have been better.
beijing olympics 2008 women team table tennis finals
this wasn't as good as the semifinals as i feel that the pressure for the players to strive on disappeared, since they had secured a medal. their mission was accomplished and i believe that was why there isn't any high peaks. china won relatively easily. nevertheless, well done for the singapore team, for clinching the silver medal! =D
Swallowtail 11:27:00 PM
SINGAPORE CLINCHES A MEDAL IN OLYMPICS IN 48 YEARS!
this is a historical moment for singapore. since 1960, singapore had not won a medal in olympics. and this year, the table tennis women team confirms clinching at least a medal! it was such a tough fight between singapore and republic of korea. so close and nerve-tensing.
who says AJ has no spirit? see how all the ajcians gathered together to watch olympics and cheer for our own singapore! hear the cheers and shouts when singapore team scored! it was tremendous, powerful and echoed in everyone's heart. to think of it, we even bear to put down our studies to experience and witness that wondrous moment. at that point of time, we are all united, heart beating together. it is a wonderful sight to see ajcians so enthusiastic about such an event. the laughters and smiles on the faces when singapore won. it was heartwarming. no doubt, we are of one heart, one people, despite the different beliefs and races. to speak of, it is probably the same throughout singapore.
i am looking forward to the youth olympics in 2010 that singapore is going to host, anticipating and hoping to be immersed in the enthusiasm, to feel the sense of unity for singapore. patriotic? not exactly. but i like the feeling of how our singaporeans stand together, hand in hand, cheering for our own people and nation. this is probably the singaporean spirit. the singaporean identity.
now who says singaporeans lack this? it is moments like this, that we see truly what singaporeans are, removing the pragmatic mask that we always wear. we are, too, a nation with people of compassion, loyalty and pride for our own country. we are not as unfeeling as what people outside think we are.
we are singaporeans. truly indeed, ONE NATION, ONE SINGAPORE.
Swallowtail 8:44:00 PM
i need you. so much.
i'm waiting for you.
Swallowtail 5:07:00 PM
positive.
when i started with the theme of my blog this year, i intended my blog to bring positive thoughts and even hope to people, not the other way round. however recently, it just becoming somewhere i rant and rant about what is so not good about my life. as i sift through my blog entries from the days i started writing...the recent ones are the ones i see as whining and full of hatred and strong negative feelings. the rest had been pretty much more heartwarming and brought back wonderful memories instead. and the conclusion of those entries: optimistic and positive. that is what i believe a blog should be. in fact i hated blogs that really just rant about how life suck and everything and nothing productive at all. why on earth do we need that? we all know that our lives are tough but do we have to emphasize that? it just deepens the pain and makes our lives even more difficult to go through.
however,
i badly needed my blog to vent out my anger because i don't like to talk to anyone about this issue and i hate to explain myself at all. at that particular point in time, i felt as if i was going to explode any moment. i may try to convince myself and everyone at that time i was alright, but i knew deep in me that i was not. i was too bothered and needed to relieve of that darn feeling. after all the *beep*, i regretted so much why i am like that.
anger is a powerful emotion.
both positive and negative. how we handle it will determine the outcome of it. this is probably one of the hurdles i have to overcome to my goal. controlling my anger.
and i spend too much time on the net than on my work. strive on to A levels.
battitti per il successo. striving for the best.
Swallowtail 1:34:00 PM
happy 43rd birthday singapore.
S-I-N-G-A-P-O-R-E. from the trailer that has been replaying and replaying over the days.
sleeping away my troubles, sleeping away my fears. how productive.
the one i've been waiting for still have not shown up. waiting hard.
Swallowtail 2:57:00 PM
i refuse to compromise.
do you think that you are the only one who has emotions? oh please! i also have my emotions and feelings. making everyone feel as if i'm the baddie. oh yes, I AM THE BADDIE. who always make you cry, because hwee lin is always so autocratic, forceful and fierce and nobody can stand her. FINE! then don't face me at all! because i also don't want myself to start flaring up at people. and also i hate it when you just mess up my life. i am sick of it. I AM REALLY SICK OF IT. always having to care for your feelings and ignoring mine. i rather have everyone against than to make such compromise. because i am not wrong to seek for my own benefits. i am not wrong to think so. i hate it so much. you just making me hate myself and my life and everyone so much! i hate you!
Swallowtail 7:13:00 PM
i'm tired with having to put up with the nonsense in life.
i am tired of wearing a mask everyday. i'm tired of what i am doing. i am tired of having to bother so much. i already have a handful on hand, why do i have to think so much? i hate to have to be thinking and saying 2 different things.
hesistant.
i realised i am more and more hesistant in doing or saying anything. i would pause for a very long time to ponder before doing or saying anything. ponder far too long. the words are stuck in my mouth and i stop myself from saying it out. i need someone to talk to, yet i am hesistant in what i can say. i avoid the issue that's truly bothering me. being hesistant just adds more pressure and greater strain to the limit that i can hold.
hate.
i hate so many things. and i even detest myself. detest myself more and more each day, with what i'm thinking, with what i'm feeling. i hate the anger, hate the angst, hate the jealousy, hate the selfishness, hate...myself. to think about it, i'm an evil person. no joke. i'm just sinful.
cry.
wanting to cry though unable to do so. 欲哭无泪. makes me think of eason's song. trying so hard to make myself cry, so that i can relieve all the pent up emotions in me but in vain. trying to cry on the bus. people must have thought that i'm crazy. but i really need the time to do so. at thought of crying, i started to sms someone. someone i feel comfortable to talk to. just makes me feel so much better. but still, the feeling will just come back eventually.
i've given up.
to bother about so many things. i hate to live my jc life like this. inevitable but i prefer it to be less worrisome, at least worrisome in other aspect, not in this way. i really give up.
Swallowtail 7:51:00 PM
i guess i have been blogging very frequently recently, like every 2 days 1 post? probably i have more things to record down recently. but in fact what is more exciting for me these few days would probably be my flu? not exactly exciting. not exactly anything i want to remember anyway.
i am stumped.
it's not exactly i have something to write today, just a feeling that pushes me to publish a post. there's a whole load of times i've been like that and i start crapping.
i've decided, my goal: to get a scholarship.
why not try it? i've been too afraid to try things. that is why i have no breakthrough. i always wanted an easy path, walking down the path i am sure of. now i'm going to take a big step. whether or not do i get it, it will still be a good thing.
i miss the days in maehongson.
i realise i miss it a lot. i miss the way they live their lives. i miss the students. i miss the dogs. i miss the environment. i really miss all the rides, on motorbikes or lorries. i miss the starry skies. i miss the nights. i really really miss maehongson. =(
Swallowtail 11:24:00 PM
