Thursday, August 07, 2008
i'm tired with having to put up with the nonsense in life.i am tired of wearing a mask everyday. i'm tired of what i am doing. i am tired of having to bother so much. i already have a handful on hand, why do i have to think so much? i hate to have to be thinking and saying 2 different things.
hesistant.i realised i am more and more hesistant in doing or saying anything. i would pause for a very long time to ponder before doing or saying anything. ponder far too long. the words are stuck in my mouth and i stop myself from saying it out. i need someone to talk to, yet i am hesistant in what i can say. i avoid the issue that's truly bothering me. being hesistant just adds more pressure and greater strain to the limit that i can hold.
hate.i hate so many things. and i even detest myself. detest myself more and more each day, with what i'm thinking, with what i'm feeling. i hate the anger, hate the angst, hate the jealousy, hate the selfishness, hate...
myself. to think about it, i'm an
evil person. no joke. i'm just sinful.
cry.wanting to cry though unable to do so.
欲哭无泪. makes me think of eason's song. trying so hard to make myself cry, so that i can relieve all the pent up emotions in me but in vain. trying to cry on the bus. people must have thought that i'm crazy. but i really need the time to do so. at thought of crying, i started to sms someone. someone i feel comfortable to talk to. just makes me feel so much better. but still, the feeling will just come back eventually.
i've given up.to bother about so many things. i hate to live my jc life like this. inevitable but i prefer it to be less worrisome, at least worrisome in other aspect, not in this way. i really give up.
Swallowtail 7:51:00 PM
