“Just like the butterfly,
I too
will awaken in my own time.”

Deborah Chaskin

Friday, December 05, 2008
analysing

myself recently. what i can do and what i cannot. what are my good points. the end result? i can't seem to find anything good about me. bad points just flow through my mind, but my good points seem to dwindle away, like little streams of water. my bad points appear to overpower my good points. i cannot do a lot of things compared to what i can do. and what can i do for my future?

sometimes i just hate my past so much that i don't even want to think about. regretting about a lot of things i did. because of it, i cannot make a single decision without hesitation. i'm not daring myself. a nagging voice is always behind me whenever i want to make a decision. so many things to consider sometimes that i find myself stagnant, standing always where i am when everyone's moving on.

i hate that feeling.

guilt whenever i go out. guilt guilt guilt. fear fear fear. what's there to fear about anyway? i am seriously not sure. i envy others. i know there's nothing to envy but...it's just inside me, within my heart.

i hate lying.

and i am not a good liar (not that it's good to lie). i hate the feeling of lying to people. i hate deceiving people. but the fear and guilt and everything just smack me to decision to lie. it felt so horrid. really horrid. i never liked lying from young. anyway, the truth always come out from my mouth. and sometimes, i just keep silent. that's not helping in any way either.

from hopeful to being depressed. that isn't supposed to go about. but it is going this way.

why do i always start tearing whenever i write a post?

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