“Just like the butterfly,
I too
will awaken in my own time.”

Deborah Chaskin

Saturday, October 31, 2009
smile

it's hard to smile when you force it. to be frank, i am not happy at all. i am not. but i'm smiling all the time. laughing. but i am not truly happy. again, something is stuck in my chest and i can't get it out. so when you asked me the other day whether i was happy, i was sort of hesistant, within my heart. you may not realised and you probably thought i had a great time.

i've grown to realised that i have been ranting a lot ever since uni started. but i can't help it. long train rides to school and back home gave me ample time to think in depth about things in my life. i can't help but notice, that i have been in the shadow of my past. my past wasn't that bad, but every year, during this period of time, i feel anxiety and uncertainty. past experiences are just those dark gray shadows hovering over me.

once, i had hopes. but over the years, i lost all that hope. it is an important day. and year after year, bombshells had ruined my day. sometimes i feel i am such a baddie and i'm bullying people. but you can't blame me for reacting this way. because, you still don't know what i want. you don't know what is important to me. what i felt is that i am not important at all. i am totally not. i am soooooo not. such that my feelings can be ignored. what i wanted is not the superficial questions of asking for my opinions. i get that feeling that deep in all your hearts i am no longer important and those questions are just to let you smoke through. i felt ignored. this is not for me at all. this is not done for me. it's done just for making all of you happy. all of you kept asking whether i was happy.

let me tell you all this.

i was not.

if you have realised, i was on the verge of shouting. i was on the verge of crying. have you realised? i bet no. all of you are so engrossed in your own stuff. all of you didn't realised i was unusually quiet. however, undeniably, i was touched by all of you, only for that one minute moment.

for quite some time that day, i was thinking, "why am i here?"

when i think about this, my smiles are so fake. it's no longer me anymore. and i can't reconcile with myself anymore. why am i doing this anyway. making myself feel so unhappy. why was i there?

this was made for all of you. but just not for me.

i know nothing about all of you. and all of you know nothing about me.

i no longer can stay real. i find it hard to stay real. i was lying. i was just telling myself, i can't be this mean. i can't bring myself to be this mean then and words that came out are lies. which i thought were white lies. and i didn't realised it's gonna turn into staggers and stab me in my heart every year. 1 year is enough. i feel like a clown. i am just a clown, trying to satisfy all of your demands.

you know how hard to try not to cry? and i have been doing this quietly over these few days. i can't help it. the emotions swell up...it's too much for me to control. i need to vent it out badly.

let it all out.

only then can i face all of you with a true smile.

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